My Experience With a Compulsive Liar

My Experience With a Compulsive Liar

I am laying in my bed on the floor. Surrounded by dusty pink pillows and fairy lights, I stare out of the floor-to-ceiling window of my new apartment in Washington DC. I have come a long way. A way different than expected; a way leading to other destinations than planned. Exactly one year ago from today, that way was leading me to the point of questioning my whole existence. Why did this happen to me? How did I allow a person like that into my life, let alone so close to me? Doesn't this only exist in the movies? I still remember everything, and especially how it felt. I can never forget that. Exactly one year ago from now, I broke up with the person I was in love with. The reason why I had to break up with him, was because he happened to be a compulsive liar.

It took me a long time to realize what I actually went through. It's not something you consider as a possibility when you fall in love with someone. It's not even something you consider when you fall out of love either. Sometimes I still want to believe him. It's hard. For a person that always wants to be right, I've never wanted to be wrong so badly in my life.

- THE BLISSFUL BEGINNING -

"For a person that always wants to be right, I've never wanted to be wrong so badly in my life."

The first time we met was at a park. It was one of the first warm days of Summer. He bought me a frozen yoghurt with strawberries and chocolate, and we talked for a long time about our life's histories on a park bench. It was nice. Although he had a certain shyness surrounding him, he was quite open about the personal questions I asked. I remember being a bit stand-offish, but his honest answers made me feel more comfortable. It was a lie.

Our first date was a success, so more dates followed. I felt like he was more mature than any other guy I dated before him. It seemed like we had many things in common, especially when it came to our ambition and work ethic. We had a deep understanding and respect for each others professional goals. This made me feel comfortable with him, because at that time I was really seeking acknowledgement for the hard work I was putting into something a lot of people were sceptical about. His constant support and easy, flexible attitude made me grow fonder and fonder of him. He was the type of person that would always say yes if I had a crazy idea. He was the type of person that knew what I wanted even if I did not ask for it. He was the type of person that was happy if I was happy. It was a lie.

My Experience With a Compulsive Liar

My Experience With a Compulsive Liar

"He was the type of person that would always say yes if I had a crazy idea.
He was the type of person that knew what I wanted even if I did not ask for it.
He was the type of person that was happy if I was happy."

- THE MISLEADING MIDDLE -

"Compulsive lying usually does not serve any goal or benefit. A compulsive liar lies because it is their habit. They are used to lying and sometimes have a hard time differentiating between the lies and the actual truth."

It's hard for me to write this following part without being the omniscient narrator of my own story. I cannot tell this story in chronological order, without telling you what I know now. This story is not made to be told in the ordinary order of time. It's the things that I discovered later that carry the heaviest weight. I wanted to use this intermezzo to describe what I know now about him, and compulsive liars in general.

Everyone lies once in a while. We lie because we are embarassed of the truth, to make ourselves feel better or because we do not trust the person we talk to. These are called white lies. When it comes to this type of lying, there's always a reason behind the lie ánd a benefit we gain from doing so. However, compulsive lying is different. Compulsive lying usually does not serve any goal or benefit. A compulsive liar lies because it is their habit. For compulsive liars, their lives are based around telling lies and making you believe them. They have a hard time differentiating between their lies and the actual truth, or controlling the lying in general. I had no idea that he was a compulsive liar at that time. I had to find out the hard way.

Things started to change. Even though our relationship was still relatively new, it wasn't going that great between us. We started spending less and less quality time together. And don't take me wrong: I know what it's like to be busy, and one of the reasons why I liked him so much, was because we respected each other's autonomy and freedom. However, this was beyond that. It started with him coming over only late during the nights, and leaving early in the mornings. It made me feel pretty bad - like I was being used for just some easy affection and that's that. Later on, he also started ignoring me. He would not respond to my texts or calls for days, even if we had plans. I would literally have no clue where he was, if something bad happened to him, etc. This made me feel anxious and panicky - something I unfortunately still struggle with when I don't hear back from people if we had plans.

My Experience With a Compulsive Liar

- THE END -

However, I did not make a deal out of it. Why? Because he always had the perfect justification for his behaviour. The reasons for always being late, or his excuse for not calling me back: They were peculiar, but seemed truthful. This is why it is so hard to catch a compulsive liar in their lies. The lies never seem unrealistic. Yes, the stories are pretty crazy and over the top, but it seems like it could truly have happened - he was the exception to the rule. He had an early morning at work. He had meetings all over NL. His car that broke down. The flight was delayed, so he had to carpool from Germany to me. His Paypal account and bank account got blocked, so he needed my money. He was accidentally arrested by the police. He was terminally ill...

I was such a trusting person and I never questioned his stories or his honesty. I just did not understand what was his gain to lie to me about these things, when I was the type of person that would not get mad over stuff like that to begin with. I've always pride myself on being a very understanding person - if you explain to me why, I will forgive you. How could I have known that he didn't even own a car or had a driver's licence to begin with?

I should have known though. My friends, my mom - everyone seemed to be questioning his honesty. They saw what I couldn't see at that time, blinded by my love for him. It even annoyed me that they would think so little of him. They just did not know him, was what I kept saying. Nevertheless, after a while I just couldn't take it anymore. My relationship turned into this everlasting interrogation of me becoming emotional over him ignoring me for multiple days, and just disappearing. Although his excuses were still strong, even I started realizing that always having an excuse for your behaviour is weird. Sometimes you just do stuff and don't really think about it. Having the best defense ready everytime someone asks you why is not normal - except if you are a law student of course.

I was caught in a web I never wanted to end up in - I hate spiders. I was falling, not in love, but into his web of lies. He managed to become the perfect boyfriend for me. He made me open up and trust him with all my secrets, but first and foremost, my heart. And then, he used it all to manipulate and control me. I lost all my beliefs and moral standards during the fall into his sticky web of lies.

I confronted him. Why didn't you make time for me anymore? How can you ignore me for days? What changed? I wanted to discuss things openly and find a solution to our situation.

It was probably the most awkward confrontation I have ever had in my life. He sat next to me on my couch. He hold my hand, but literally didn't say a word. Literally nothing! I tried everything: I tried being calm, angry (even though I literally cannot be angry at all), understanding, sad, whatever. He would literally not respond to anything at all. Looking back, I know that this was his way of dealing with being caught in his web of lies. If all fails, being silent is the only option. However, I still didn't want to give up on him, on us. I thought that he maybe needed more time to start talking to me, and I didn't want to push him to do so. I didn't want to be that controlling girlfriend that doesn't give her boyfriend enough space. So I I just let him promise me he would not leave me hanging like that anymore and forgave him. It was a lie.

This was our last time together.

"However, I did not make a deal out of it. Why? Because he always had the perfect justification for his behaviour. The reasons for always being late, or his excuse for not calling me back: They were peculiar, but seemed truthful. Yes, the stories are pretty crazy and over the top, but it seems like it could truly have happened - he was the exception to the rule."

"We don't live in a magical world were unicorns exist, law school is easy, and bad things can transform into something good. If things are going bad, they will not start going better. The only thing that you can do is walk away from these bad things, never look back, and start putting your time and energy into something else. And that's what I did."

Things will get worse, before they get better, is a saying many people believe in. It's fair to assume that bad situations will turn themselves around into something great, eventually. What I have realized is that life does not work like that. We don't live in a magical world were unicorns exist, law school is easy, and bad things can transform into something good. If things are going bad, they will not start going better. The only thing that you can do is walk away from these bad things, never look back, and start putting your time and energy into something else. And that's what I did.

It was the week of my 22nd birthday. After that week, he had to move abroad due to personal reasons. I cannot possibly tell you what these personal reasons were, because it is too horrific to realize that a person is able to lie about something so terrible like that.

I tried to stay positive and be excited for the last days I would spend with him. He promised me to pick me up from the airport, so we could be together when it was 00.00. However, I didn't hear from him again. He never picked me up from the airport. When I called him and he finally picked up, he was 'too sick' to talk, but I could literally hear him faking his cough. Even if he was sick, he could've at least let me know he wasn't able to pick me up and see me on my birthday. How could he do something like that, especially because it would probably be our last week together? Not only did this make me feel sad, I also thought it was unjust. And if there's one thing that triggers a libra, it's injustice. I started thinking about all the things I had put up with, just because I wanted to be a 'chill girlfriend'. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a chill girlfriend, or maybe he wasn't boyfriend material to begin with. The only thing that I was certain of, was that I didn't do anything so wrong, to deserve being mistreated like that. And although I understand that stories and feelings are always subjective, it can never be an excuse to treat a person so disrespectful.

Except for a casual 'happy birthday' text on my birthday, I never heard from him again. Just imagine being in a relationship, and then never hearing anything again from the person you love. It still amazes me how someone could treat their own girlfriend like that, being a grown human being. I had to break up with him through text the next weekend, although it was more of a formality - I never got a response on that message either and I am pretty sure you cannot be in a relationship with a person that just disappears.

This is one of the strangest situations I've ever experienced. It's still hard for me to differentiate between the lies and the truth - if there was even any. After the 'break-up', my friends all pushed me to forget about him as soon as possible. They were right in a way - of course he did not deserve me crying over him after all the stuff he pulled. However, this break-up process was harder than usual: I initially broke up with him, because I never heard back from him ever again, but it was only along the way that his web of lies unraveled and I slowly started discovering that a lot of the things he told me weren't true. I started to connect the dots and finally realized what happened to me: I had a relationship with a compulsive liar.

After that realization, I felt like I had to go through the post break-up process all over again. Discovering that everything what the person you loved told you was potentially a lie is hard to process. It's like you've been in love with a person that doesn't exist. Even now that I am writing this a year later, in a completely different environment, I still cannot wrap my head around it.

My Experience With a Compulsive Liar

- THE WARNING SIGNS -

After writing this story, there is one thing I have learned: I am never, ever, ever going to put myself in this situation again. This is not meant to be repeated. The truth behind the lies will always come out, but in my case, the damage was already done. However, by sharing this experience, I hope I can help at least someone out there that is going through a similar situation. There are multiple warning signs when it comes to identifying compulsive liars. However, if you are not looking for them, it is impossible to notice. Read this list, and if you can check off all or most of the bullet points when it comes to a person in your life, you should be extremely careful.

  • Their stories sound fascinating and a bit crazy, but never come across as unrealistic. Catching a compulsive liar lying is very hard. They are extremely good at not exposing their lies. They will always tell stories that seem plausible, so it does not raise any suspicion that they are making everything up. Their lies can be about anything and anyone: Think of their childhood, identity, friends or work.
  • They tell instead of show. A compulsive liar will tell you many personal stories. However, their real personal life will stay a mystery for you. Meeting their parents is still too early, his friends live too faraway and his collegues work all over the world. You will only know him through the stories he tells you, so that he can control the (probably perfect) picture you paint of him.
  • Their lying can, but does not have to serve a purpose. When I was doing my research about compulsive lying, I discovered that there was a split between experts believing compulsive liars did or did not lie with a purpose. Some argued that compulsive liars lie out of habit, which means they could not control their lying, and therefore did not have a purpose for their dishonest behaviour. However, others argued that compulsive liars did lie with a purpose, because they use the lies to make them seem like heroes or victims. They would sometimes even tell self-incriminating lies, which is also one of the reasons why it is so hard to identify a compulsive liar.
  • They are very social. Although compuslive lying can be a sign of sociopathic tendencies, most compulsive liars are social and empathic. This does not necessarily mean that a compulsive liar has many friends or likes to be the center of attention. It means that they are skilled in understanding and empathizing with others. They use this to get inside your head, and become the person you want them to be by telling the appropriate lies. After that, they will use this power to gain control over you, and hurt you.
  • Their lying never stops. As mentioned before, many experts argue that compulsive liars lie out of habit. Lying is part of their human nature. That is why often compulsive liars start believing their own lies as well - making them come across even more convincing. They cannot differentiate between what is the actual truth and what isn't, because they really believe their own lies.

- THE TRUTH BEHIND THE LIES -

Thank you for reading this personal piece. It took me a year to find the courage to share this, another month to write this piece, and it will probably take me a lifetime to really overcome what has happened. I am still struggling to believe that people like that actually exist in this world.  Even after a year, I am still waiting for a text message that says "you got it all wrong, I wasn't lying, because...", but that would probably be a lie too. Even though I have been mistreated, betrayed and used before by others, this was different. It was never on this scale that put me so off balance.

Why did this happen to me? How can I ever date a guy again? How am I sure that this person is not lying to me, again? I don't know. Life is always going to be a leap of faith. In a way, this experience taught me to be not afraid of taking big risks. Every way you take, everyone's path you cross, every thing that you do: It is a leap of faith. It doesn't matter if it's 'only' meeting a new person, or moving to a different continent: you have no fucking clue how it is going to turn out. The only thing that you can do is be prepared - kinda.

Although I try to see this as a life lesson, some lessons of life I would rather not have been taught. For every person that is reading this and recognizes the story: Please be careful. I wish I was aware of the warning signs of a compulsive liar, so I did not have to go through a similar experience. Being honest is the foundation of any relationship with another person. Don't get trapped in a web of lies. I was fortunate enough to be surrounded with amazing people that helped me get through this. Not only by actually helping and listening to me, but also by proving me that kind and trustworthy people do exist in this world. And on that note, I like to conclude this chapter of my life and put what happened behind me.

HAVE YOU HAD ANY EXPERIENCE WITH A COMPULSIVE LIAR?

xo Lilia

Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional, so in no way should you rely on this article as a scientific source of information. However, I did do my research, and every 'warning sign' I mentioned is based on the following sources.

  • Dike, C. C., Pathological lying: symptom or disease (2008). Online source here.
  • Dike, C. C., Baranoski, M. & Griffith, E. E. H., Pathological lying revisited. Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law (2005)., 33(3), 342-349. Online source here.

75 Comments

  1. November 17, 2017 / 08:45

    Very moving account of your personal story sweetie

    Glad you survived it and this post is a great way of completely moving on!

    Hugs
    Hayley
    Hayley recently posted…Top 5 November Goals

    • November 20, 2017 / 14:23

      Thank you <3

  2. November 17, 2017 / 09:15

    Fijn dat je de moed hebt gevonden om dit met ons te delen! Ik denk dat jouw verhaal voor veel mensen helpvol is.
    Zelf heb ik nog nooit met een compulsive liar te maken gehad, maar ik goed genoeg hoe het voelt om express genegeerd te worden. Ik heb in het verleden niet de beste vrienden gehad die altijd eerlijk waren tegenover mij. Ik hoop dat je door het schrijven van deze post kan verder gaan met je leven en die nare situatie kan vergeten.
    Liefs,
    Yara
    Yara recently posted…#Manly gift idea + winactie

    • November 20, 2017 / 14:23

      Dankjewel Yara, super lief van je. <3

  3. Maya snani
    November 17, 2017 / 09:17

    I don’t think that I ever experienced having a compulsive liar in my life but I had have an incredibly toxic and manipulative relationship and I can tell you that doubt are the worst i’m Sorry that you had to go through that it’s must’ve been really hard for you to finally get out of his web although its really sensitive and hard to share what happened to you on public like that maybe it’s going to help you close this chapter a bit more

    • November 20, 2017 / 14:24

      Toxic relationships are the worst – I am glad you’re talking about it in the passed tense <3

  4. kj
    November 17, 2017 / 09:55

    I’m under going this now and your article has helped me.. I just found out that he’s lying to me and he’s having affairs with other girls.. you have voiced out my mind.. Thanks a lot

    • Stavroula
      November 17, 2017 / 10:44

      Unfortunately my sister was in a relationship with a compulsive liar, and because we are very close is like i went though it too. I know that if i won’t experience it I won’t know for sure but I got a good insight of what it must be. Long story short he did the same to my sister, lies about his family, where he lived etc and then out of the blue he disappeared. The interesting part is that my sister met his family and he ours and he still contacts her but she doesn’t want to do anything with him. Very peculiar creatures and we have to stay away! You did the right thing talking about it, it will give you closure to most of your whys and ifs. And you can start a new chapter. I believe that being strong is the only choice and you are an inedible example and role model. Thank you for sharing such a personal story. Keep up your hard and great work.

      • November 20, 2017 / 14:26

        That is terrible, so sad to hear this happened to your sister as well. We will stay strong together <3

    • November 20, 2017 / 14:24

      stay strong <3

  5. Artemis
    November 17, 2017 / 10:20

    Amazing post! I am glad you’re slowly finding yourself and realizing how great you are! I’m sorry you had to go through all this but there’s always a reason everything happens !
    xo

    • November 20, 2017 / 14:25

      Thank you <3

  6. CHRISTINA
    November 17, 2017 / 12:25

    The hardest thing is that this kind of toxic relationship continued affecting you even after its end. That’s the hardest thing ..when you start realizing and connecting the pieces of the puzzle… It does affect you and keep controlling you even after the end. That’s the time when you have to save yourself from all this…

    Find yourself, be kind of grateful for what happened (because this guy could still be in your life and holding you back) and what you learned and let Lilia grow and thrive through this…

    Keep inspiring us
    xo

    • November 20, 2017 / 14:29

      thank you for your kind words, you are exactly right. <3

  7. Mia
    November 17, 2017 / 12:49

    I’ve been confronted to a compulsive liar too, she was a friend and I thought we were close, when I found out all the truth it was terrible, I felt so bad and used for over a year and I’m afraid I can’t trust anyone now. It’s a bit different but I can relate how you felt and I’m sorry for you :(<3 honest people shouldn't be confronted to that kind of people… I hope you can trust again however and you deserved the best.
    Love

    • November 20, 2017 / 14:30

      Thank you Mia, hope so for you too <3

  8. Farah
    November 17, 2017 / 13:02

    I truly respect your choice on opening up about your emotional experiences, and I’m glad you’ve had to go through this to learn how it is very Important to be careful with trusting people and to question everything. I’m sorry you had to put up with such person that ruined your falling in love experience but it’s okay you became a stronger more aware and a wise person that it would be hard for someone to lie to you again . Seems like you dealt with a fuckboy girl. But I’m sure looking back at it now .you’re proud of your amazing ability to push trough and continue on succeeding and seek happiness no matter what.I’m proud of you Lilia. Much love for you .and good luck with your exams and deadlines!AND don’t forget that I am here beside you ,we’re here for you and we do acknowledge the hard work you put In to find a form of balance in your life .love you ❤

    • November 20, 2017 / 22:40

      Thank you so much Farah. He was much more than ‘just’ a fuckboy though. This was a completely different experience.

  9. AnonymousMedStudent
    November 17, 2017 / 14:33

    I spent my summer in DC this year on a pediatric rotation at GW. While I was there, I met this really nice guy who I thought was great. He was very attentive, and sweet and made time for me despite me being at the hospital most days and nights, and him being a criminal attorney with a full work load and full court hearings nearly every day. But I was so flattered that he made time to hang out with me, even if it was just ice cream and a walk in the summer evening or coffee by the Lincoln memorial. Everything was great for 3 weeks, he told me about his partner in his firm and his secretary and his family, and especially his ex girlfriend. But then I noticed things didn’t add up when he would mention anyone in his life, all of a sudden the names were different. Or Lisa, “his secretary” was all of a sudden Lisa his friend’s girlfriend. Because he was such a complex compulsive liar, I think sometimes he forgot what he was saying, or to whom he was at least saying them. I was really shocked, and of course I spoke to my friends about this. They said it sounds very incriminating and maybe since it’s so early I should just back away from him. I said sure. So I did. But the phone calls never stopped, and the texting never stopped. I would reply with messages like “I’m sorry, I’m busy” or “I’ll call you back in a little bit”. Then came the explosive messages and voicemails trying to manipulate me to see him again. He would say I’m being dismissive, and cold. As if he had done nothing and was an angel. So I would then again remind him I was at work and I really didn’t have time towards the end of my summer there. I was getting busy because of exams. Then he would he say I’m coming to see you, at this time at this restaurant. He didn’t. Instead his 2016 BMW would “break down” or “crash” somewhere. So I was a little weary and mortified at the same time. I did however totally give up replying to his messages and of course, more explosive texts and calls came through. But two days after I gave up, after two months of seeing this man that I thought was lovely, I had to take my end of rotation exams and I finally had time to explore DC again. I saw him. I saw him and his perfectly undamaged car. With another woman. And then again, I saw him with another woman that same evening in another part of town. So this time, I sent him a message because my friends and I could see him. I asked “Hey, how are you, free to talk for a few minutes?” — Of course his response was strange, but almost believable. He said “I’m with my family now, my nephew is at the hospital.” (His family is originally from Brooklyn.) But there he was, sitting 5 tables away from me and my friends with another woman. So I took a picture of him, and sent it to him. I blocked him right away, of course. Like you, I was really shocked and hurt but I was not in love with him, just in like.

    • November 20, 2017 / 22:46

      Thank you for sharing this personal story, I hope you’re doing okay now. <3

  10. Maya
    November 17, 2017 / 16:18

    You are truly inspirational. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. However, you have grown to be so beautiful, independent, intelligent, whilst remaining humble. It’s such a brave move to share something so personal with the internet, but believe me, it is very much appreciated. All the hard work you put in, every detail you spend your time on, all the crazy events you balance in life – You are appreciated. Even though you had to experience something this devastating, I hope you understand that life opened so many amazing doors for you, due to your efforts and incredible hard work. Like they always say, it’s his loss, and I firmly believe in this.

    You’re an amazing individual, and you make a huge difference for many women. Never stop chasing your dreams and believing in yourself, you’re accomplishing great things. ❤️

    Lots of love from a fellow law-school student in the Netherlands.

    • November 20, 2017 / 22:46

      This means a lot Maya, thank you so much for your kind words <3

  11. Prarthana
    November 17, 2017 / 17:00

    Thank you for sharing this experience with us, Lilia. I can only imagine the amount of courage it must have taken you to do this. Love you.

  12. November 17, 2017 / 17:21

    Wow! Sorry for that honey <3

    I have the chance to have a honest boyfriend and I know that for a lot of reasons. But I have a friend who always end up with this kind of guy, your story made me think of her… I try my best to warn her but she never listen to my advice or my caution. Seeing her broken after every relationship that which lasts only few weeks or months is making me sad. So bad that she can't read in English, because I would love to give her your article :)

    Btw, I follow since a year now and I love your blog so much! I love how you write, it's fascinating to read you everytime. Plus it helps me for my English, because i'm French and even if my level of English is not that bad, I want to progress even more (specially because I planned to move in England). So thanks you for everything you share with us.

    Melanie x

    • November 20, 2017 / 22:47

      Thank you so much Melanie, that’s a huge compliment. I hope your friend is doing okay. <3

  13. Harini
    November 17, 2017 / 17:25

    I can absolutely imagine your pain and blind faith. I have that fool too. It might shake your faith in people but dont let it break your faith in yourself to let yourself be loved again.
    Love you Lilia.

    • November 20, 2017 / 22:48

      Love you too <3

  14. Serene
    November 17, 2017 / 19:16

    I am so so glad that you broke up with him. You should protect yourself more while being a chill girlfriend in the future. Hug and Kiss!!

    • November 20, 2017 / 22:49

      Thank you. xo

  15. Anurashmi
    November 17, 2017 / 19:46

    I too had a same kind of relationship……. N literally it sucks…….. While i was reading ur blog…… I thought i was reliving my own life again…. All the best for ur future

    • November 20, 2017 / 23:50

      Stay strong girl <3

  16. Roos
    November 17, 2017 / 19:54

    Hi Lilia,

    I’m very sorry you have to go through this. I know the person who you’re talking about. He is a strange person who lives in a fantasy world and also lied about his life to me. I wish you all the luck!

  17. Alli
    November 17, 2017 / 20:03

    Thank you for sharing this very personal experience of yours with us. I can only imagine what you had to go through and i literally can not believe why someone would do such things to person he claims to love. I wish you all the best and am happy for you that you realized that you deserve better!

    • November 21, 2017 / 00:23

      Thank you Alli <3

  18. Marylou Gomez
    November 17, 2017 / 20:21

    Lily,
    I just finished reading your bio, wow. Forst let me begin by letting you know how amazing courage you have to share your most personal life experience as a young woman. You made the right decision. Life is a leap of faith you never know what you are goin to encounter. But you keep your faith and dont let one man still your joy. We all deserve to be happy and in love. You are BEAUTIFUL and STRONG woman keep going. Let god be your vindicator.
    With that said, Lily I myself went thru almost same thing but I didnt get out of the relationship on time. I ended up pregnant at 19, left my home to live with him. He became liar, drinker, hot tempered, and controling. Soon after so much drama I realize needed out of the relationship. So I did for my baby went back home at 6 months and never looked back. I was single parent struggling school & work. And alone for 4 years blame all men for what one man did to me. Finally I met someone that accepted my son and I. Yes I took the leap of faith again. And now im happily married for 23 years. Hav 3 kids and graduated from college short term. Till this day never look back, we all make mistakes and it only makes us stronger. Keep going and let go let god. When you least expect it he will put the right man in your path. Till then jusy strive to be HAPPY

    • November 21, 2017 / 00:31

      Thank you so much Marylou. Your story is actually very inspiring, thank you for sharing. <3

  19. Jelena
    November 17, 2017 / 22:01

    Hey Lily, so glad you are sharing your personal stories. I had almost same story as yours, so that you just know you are not alone and not the only girl in this world who has gone through this thing. And I survived, you survived and everyone who is going through same thing will. I just believe that God sent us those people so that he could teach us something, and we learned. We learned to never accept less than we deserve, to recognize liars and to go away from that type of people. You are such an amazing girl, and out there is someone who will appreciate that, it’s just the matter of time and destiny. Keep smiling, being positive, creative, amazing girlboss. And your fans got your back. Lots of love <3

    • November 21, 2017 / 00:47

      We can get through this! xo

  20. MS
    November 17, 2017 / 22:11

    I am so glad you’re able to tell this very, very touching story. Sadly, I find myself beyond identified…It happened to me when I was really young and It never crossed my mind it could have been a case of complusive lying. It is curious, though, how human nature is set to make up a lot of justifications to deny the real situation. I clearly remember myself back in time thinking “I feel this way because I am too young to realize that it is how “love” works” or ” No matter the circumstances, you are not becoming an obsessive girlfriend because that is not how love is supposed to be “. Nowadays, I have a totally new perspective. However, It hit me hard so hard I can’t even put it into words and I am sure It also happens to you, despite this wonderful blogpost. I was totally at a loss.

    • November 21, 2017 / 00:51

      I am so sorry this happened to you too. I am glad you got through this. xo

  21. Sofia
    November 17, 2017 / 22:37

    Dear Lilia, thanks for sharing this! I had been in a similar situation although it happened in a friendship not in a relationship! It took me sometimes to realize that our time is so precious we should not waste it on liars, negative ‘energy vampires’. Real eyes realize real lies…so true.

    Btw. I have been following you since the time when you only had 3000 subscribers on YT, and you never stop to amaze me! I really enjoy your honest, relatable posts and i appreciate that you actually do your research and put time and energy into each post!

    Wish you all the best Lilia! I hope you read this!
    Love <3

    • November 21, 2017 / 00:53

      Thank you so much Sofia, I am so glad that you follow me for such a long time, makes me feel very special. <3

  22. November 17, 2017 / 22:37

    Bedankt om dit met ons te delen. Ik vind verhalen en ervaringen mbt mental health erg interessant. Ik heb de hele tekst met plezier gelezen. Je schrijft heerlijk. You’re such a brave woman. We zijn trots op je!

    • November 21, 2017 / 00:56

      Aww zo lief, dankjewel Sophie! xo

  23. Savannah
    November 17, 2017 / 23:57

    I’ve dealt with a friend who was a compulsive liar. She lied saying I didn’t know a friend that I had known for years. Though that friend also ended up being a liar herself it’s funny how often people end up being what they accuse you of.

    • November 21, 2017 / 00:57

      People indeed often reflect themselves on others. xo

  24. Mimi
    November 18, 2017 / 03:07

    I feel like i am a complusive liar. I would always lie about everything in my life to everyone. It’s hard to be honest even I tried not to lie. All those lies just came out of my mouth without thinking twice, as if lying is my talent.

    And yes, a complusive liar is understanding and empathic like I am.We fabricate our life based on a web of lies, for me , it has no purpose,perhaps I just simply want attention. For others, they might just want to hurt and manipulate others.

    • November 21, 2017 / 01:00

      Please seek professional help Mimi, it is not too late.

  25. M
    November 18, 2017 / 10:14

    Wow, I recognize so many parts of your story.. The way my ex partner would come up with the strangest yet plausible stories, and the way he slowly but steadily worked his way into my trust and heart and basically fucked me over. In my case he used his manipulative control over my mind and emotions to dominate me, he became like a parasite opposed to cold hearted erasing me. He was obsessed with me, and would use emotional and physical abuse (physical was ALWAYS an ‘accident’, whoops I accidentally slammed your head against the table). But he was very skilled at turning the tables around. He would always be the victim, and I would be the one comforting him. Like he was acting this way because his best friend, whom I never met, just died that morning, leaving two kids behind. We never went to the funeral either, or his cousin who went missing, yet when I visited his family no one mentioned anything about this supposedly missing cousin. Occasionally I would catch him in a small lie, and when I would confront him, he would flip at me. Why was I being so nosy and unsupportive? But his lies and manipulations led him to estrange me from my friends, my family and eventually from my own self. I’m very empathetic and his history, all of the bad things that ‘happened’ to him and was still ‘happening’ to him was what made him do what he did. I settled with the situation because I empathized with him. Until, when I was 3 months pregnant discovered he lied about saving money on our joint account. He asked for a max debit and took 5k off. He lied about the tickets he booked for our holiday. He would pay because I had paid literally everything for our previous holiday I just knew then, that the credit card that was stolen was done by him too. The stuff that I had lost in my house was stolen by him. Jewelry, video recorded, money I left on the table, etc. I started searching his pockets and I found receipts of pawn shops, log in codes for websites where people meet up to have sex. I was devastated, I trusted him. I confronted him on the phone. He said, an enemy of him was sabotaging him. Hacking into his emails, he must have done this too. Really…., get the fuck out of here! So despite my anger, I was still in love with him, and very much pregnant. I seeked professional help for him, we went to two therapists. He would get better for me and our baby. I believed him. I wanted to give him a chance, so I gave him one foot in the door. But after our daughter was a couple of months old, he again would play the victim and blame my parents, my friends for our difficult family situation. And it just hit me. He will never change. He wants to be seen as a victim. So I shut the door. He became very aggressive after I denied him into my life. It was only THEN that I started speaking out about all the things he done to me to my. Before I was too ashamed. But because it was exposed now he had no control over me anymore, he was actually afraid of my friends. Now ten years on, I’m trying to guard my daughter’s heart for her father’s lies. They come in big and small ones, like it did with me. And just like me, she’s very empathetic, she has the purest of hearts. He’s been so manipulative, and again blaming me for the fact our daughter comes from a broken home. Fabricating stories that portray him as the victim and me as the perpetrator. It has damaged my daughter emotionally. But she’s an intelligent 10 year old now, and she has found her way of dealing with her father’s unpredictable emotions, and has a reserved trust in him. She loves him and they have a lot of good times together too. Even I still give him the benefit of the doubt sometimes. I want him to do good in life. But at times when I notice he is using his lies to manipulate my daughter’s emotional well being, that’s when I say he won’t be seeing her until he gets his act together again.

    I’m not a mental health professional either but I do believe compulsive liars are like parasites. They need to feed of someone else’s emotional reaction and affection for their own emotional or tangible gain. In my experience the lies were very well thought off. Strategically planned out even. I wish you all the best of luck to overcome the damage. It could’ve happened to anyone, really. You did nothing wrong ❤️

    • November 21, 2017 / 01:01

      Such a difficult story, thank you for being so honest and sharing it here. Good luck to you and your daughter too, it will all be okay in the end <3

  26. Katarina
    November 18, 2017 / 10:54

    Thank you for sharing this story. I can certainly find myself in this story. I was in relationship for four years with the man who lied about everything and who constantly disappeared with unbelievable realistic excuses. The result was that I turned myself to be a victim by apologizing for to many questions that I asked or for my selfishness because I couldn’t understand his obligations. The culmination came when we planned a holidays and I booked everything, plane tickets, hotel, took free days at work etc. Than I haven’t heard from him for 5 days and 3 days before a trip, he called and told me that we have never talked to go anywhere. It was like in the horror movie, suddenly I was a crazy woman who planned a holidays and prepared everything for travel with the man who didn’t even know that we are traveling. This story can happened to anyone, the education or years of experience does not play any importance. The biggest problem in this situation is that you start to question everything, even your common sense and it takes a lot of time to fell better.

    • November 21, 2017 / 00:56

      That is terrible Katarina, I am glad you got through this situation. Stay strong girl <3

  27. November 19, 2017 / 22:10

    Wauw, dit verhaal doet me zo denken aan mijn voorbij relatie. In het begin leek hij de perfecte boyfriend, maar na een bepaalde periode begon hij mij ook te negeren en kon hij plots niet meer afspreken. Ik kan nog steeds niet snappen hoe iemand zo kan liegen tegen de persoon waar ze van “houden”. Zo’n situatie meemaken is helemaal niet leuk. Mijn vrienden zeggen ook dat ik hem moet vergeten, maar ze begrijpen niet hoe moeilijk dit wel is. Ik ben blij dat ik jou verhaal gelezen heb en dat ik weet dat ik niet de enige ben die zo’n situatie heeft meegemaakt. xo Joyce
    Joyce recently posted…Helemaal city proof dankzij de Nivea Urban Skin collectie

    • November 21, 2017 / 00:54

      Ah Joyce wat vervelend. Samen staan we sterker <3

  28. tatyana
    November 20, 2017 / 10:29

    That can happened and its good if someone can quikly recognize a liar. Like anybody of us they need people around them, but they can only use them. Nobody wants to have business with them and I can understand that, but there is also an ather way to look at them – to look at them as they are sick people hoe maybe need help.

    • November 20, 2017 / 14:20

      They are indeed sick people with a mental disease, but that does not justify their actions. They should seek professional help willingly, and if they do not want to do that, you cannot help them. It is not your duty to help (if you can even do that) if others misuse you.

  29. Maya
    November 20, 2017 / 13:40

    ❤ dankje wel voor het delen. Dit is zoo persoonlijk en pijnlijk. Je hebt het mooi onder woorden gebracht .
    Heel veel liefs en hugs

    • November 20, 2017 / 23:49

      Heel erg lief van je Maya <3

  30. Aporia
    November 20, 2017 / 14:15

    oh, honey… that’s not a compulsive liar, that’s a typical player

    • November 20, 2017 / 14:22

      honey, don’t make statements about things you cannot possibly know. i know the difference between a player and a compulsive liar, and he definitely wasn’t ‘just’ a player.

  31. November 20, 2017 / 14:44

    I’m very sorry to hear what you’ve been through.. falling in love with someone can somehow end up also being your worse pain. I’ve been there and still there tbh and it does take a while to get over someone and their lies. But one thing I do believe that every encount with someone does happen for a reason and so I have chosen to trust that and learn to accept that the pain will make me stronger :)x

    Your such an inspiration girl and keep slaying :)x

    A Girl’s Journal
    https://girlsjournal95.blogspot.co.uk

    • November 21, 2017 / 00:48

      Thank you Hanan xo

  32. petra.lea
    November 20, 2017 / 20:33

    Dear Lilly, I am not sure if u ever come accross the term narcisist. Your ex check all the boxes. He sounds like perfect covert narcisist. Read more about it and you will understand why he did what he did. They also tend to leave person on some significant day – so you remeber. Thei end goal is to feed their ego in very perverted way.
    Learn to recognize these ppl becuase they tend to prey on emphats and analytical ppl. You would be looking for reasons and solutions but his only reason is to use u so he would feel better about himself.

    • November 20, 2017 / 20:38

      Hi Petra, thanks for your comment, but I have to disagree with you. He was definitely not a narcissist. Although compulsive lying and narcissism can go together, they are two completely different mental issues (although narcissism is not considered as an official mental disease, while compulsive lying is), and he did not have the trademarks of a narcissist.

      • Maria
        November 21, 2017 / 16:32

        Obviously you know know him better, and I’m not trying to diagnose anyone here. However while I was reading this it really reminded me of my ex who I suspect to have been a covert narcissist. It’s very rare, but there is a Narcissistic Personality Disorder and it’s usually extremely hard to identify people who have it. Again, by no means am I claiming that your ex was a narc, just thought I’d share a bit of my experience. My relationship with my ex started out absolutely perfect. He was the most amazing boyfriend I could’ve ever asked for, he adored me and supported all of my life goals (over-evaluation stage). Then he started contradicting himself and little lies started to come out. He would disappear from time to time always with a crazy excuse, and although a lot of his stories didn’t add up I didn’t even consider questioning him. I felt like I was dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, for he was this caring lovey-dovey boyfriend one day and this cold stranger that would ignore me the next. I found myself feeling like a needy girlfriend, which had never been the case previously (devaluation stage). The end was just as puzzling as the entire relationship- he uninvited me from something he had been encouraging me to go to and then disappeared for a few weeks before we had the final conversation (discard stage). I still can’t believe everything that happened, and I think it will take a while to completely move on, but once I do I know I’ll be more open to trusting my gut when it tells me that something is off. Anyway, sorry for the essay. Reading this just struck a cord with me, so thanks for sharing!

        • November 21, 2017 / 16:35

          Thanks for sharing your story, I hope you’re doing better now! But again, I know what a narcissist is, and my ex + the elements I shared definitely do not show he was one.

          • petra.lea
            November 21, 2017 / 19:42

            Dear Lily, u know the person the best, we based our assumption only on the details you shared. NPD is not that rare especially in this era, where narcs trive. NPD is recognized by WHO as I mentioned in the comment earlier for the reason, APA is coming to conclusion that it is a kind of spectrum, Americans they love spectrum and they are trying to narrow it down so it would fit some check list (which profesional would use to determine if person fits NPD or no) and that is why it didnt make it to the dsm-5 yet (it’s been taked out). Just becuase USA doesnt cover it now, it doesnt mean that it doesnt exist and ppl dont get diagnosed with it. Its a very wide spread problem and ppl should be aware. What you described, from afar fits the mold as Maria already described, and I could go even further, but only you know the details and the person.

  33. Hannah
    November 20, 2017 / 21:25

    So helpful and powerful that you wrote your story down and published it for others to read and learn from it. I normally just watch your vlogs I have to admit, but I appreciate it when people tell personal experiences and explain what they learned from it or how they dealt with it. You’ve been hurt so badly and will be forever aware of compulsive liars. In time you will learn how to trust people and your own judgment again, might take a little bit of time and practice. You are so inspirational in everything you do, studying and your businesses you run alongside that. You are so much younger than me, but I really enjoy watching your YouTube videos and seeing you grow personally and professionally. Wishing you all the best for the future. xo (Groningen girl living in Belgium)

    • November 21, 2017 / 00:49

      This means a lot to me Hannah, thank you so much. xo

  34. Emily
    November 21, 2017 / 08:23

    I experienced the same thing. It took me many years to trust back people.

  35. Julia
    November 22, 2017 / 05:54

    I’m so sorry lily for what you went through:( i forwarded the post to my friend that went through something similar last year..she just broke it off abruptly like you and I’m glad she did.. hopefully this helps her wounds heal a bit <3

  36. November 22, 2017 / 20:35

    I really like photos! So tender!

  37. Sarah
    November 24, 2017 / 00:02

    Dear Lily,
    I’m so sorry that you had to go through all of that. I really hope that you’re doing better and can leave all that sh*t behind you. But I’m quite sure about this because you’re a really strong woman. But I know how hard it is escpecially if you discover more and more what was a lie and what was the truth. Even though the relationship is long gone. This way it always feels like there has not passed much time since the breakup.
    I was in a toxic relationship for two years with someone who has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (well I don’t have a diagnosis but the signs were really strong). He always wanted to be the center of attention, he had so many other girls who he was writing and even meeting with (allthough I was not okay with that) and he always wanted to hear that he was loved and a loveable person (It wasn’t enough that he used me for that, he needed the other girls to tell him compliments, too). He manipulated me a lot (which I realised after) and the worst thing is that he had an affair with another girl for like one year when we were together. That means that he lied a lot to me to cover his affair. I felt so stupid when I found out. It came out of the blue. I was so sure that he loved me. But it was a lie. I wasn’t enough for him.
    Eventually I realised all his lies after I broke up with him because I couldn’t stand it any longer. He wasn’t a compulsive liar but I pretty much can understand how you must have felt like for you.
    Although I’m currently in a fantastic relationship with the best man on earth, my ex boyfriend still haunts me in ways I cannot admit. This story will forever be with me.
    But I guess that is just life and it definetely made me stronger and made me realise what I want.

    I wish you all the best and lots of love from a german reader (that explains my english, sorry for that).

    xxx
    Sarah

  38. Julia Metter
    November 24, 2017 / 01:14

    Hello Lily,
    I‘m from Vienna and I’ve been watching your YouTube channel for a year now (also following and liking your Instagram, last time you even liked back :))) ( juliaelinmetter) ), which also led me too your article about this compulsive liar now..
    I couldn’t believe it when I read the first lines, because the nearly exact thing happened to me last summer and I’m also still suffering from it..
    All those bullet points do describe exactly the behavior of such an ill person. I even went to worse stuff..telling me that he was from England, coming to Austria due to football reasons and that his family still lived in London, I believed him and just after a few months went with him to go and meet up with them. Flight tickets ect all paid by myself because of the reason of an not working bank card of him (yeah true..) so I paid everything and we went there for two days, stayed in a gross motel and guess what, when we went to meet his family, it was no wondering that they suddenly wasn’t there to also get to know me.. this was just the beginning lily..In Vienna, I even let him stay with me in my Appartement which was the same size like your old one, paid everything for him because, of course he always had an excuse for still haven’t been paid by his football agent and so on..he stole money from me..stole my Louis Vuitton speedy bag and i do not even want to think about how much he must have been cheating on me while I was at work, earning the money which he spent. He even asked my parents for money behind my back and my best friend, always with weird reasons behind.
    To cut a long story short, this guy really damaged my trust in people so badly that I wasn’t even able to think about ever trusting a man again in my life and the whole story ended wirh the police coming to my house throwing him out of it and sending him back to England after he refused to go when I told him that I finally wanted to break up with him Because all of his lies and because of the reason I couldn’t trust him ever again.
    At that moment he even blackmailed me that he would be coming for me when I wouldn’t see it coming and other stuff, even a few weeks later I still got such e-mails from him. I was so embarrassed, ashamed of myself and dissapointed of myself because it felt like everybody had known what was going on before me and that was really the worst..
    My family, my friends everyone I knew and it really seemed like I was drunk in love..
    I also shared my story on Facebook so that he couldn’t keep on doing this to other girls in Vienna because after this all came out, I got to know about girls he was in contact during our relationship and also about things like that he was a criminal with high depts, when i got his letters on and on in my postbox about phone bills over 10.000 euros. And at least I found credit cards between my things, credit cards with names of people from all over the world which I’ve never heard before. So it seemed like that he must have also been stealing money from people by stealing and using their credit cards..
    Every time i think about all these lies again I get sick and I would like to vomit by considering myself with the fact that I was sleeping night to night next to a person which I didn’t even know for nearly half a year..
    I could keep on writing but that would go to far..

    Thank you so much for sharing your story..I always felt so stupid and like if i was the only person in the world something like this happened to..

    One thing I learned about this is that if it wouldn’t have happened to me, i wouldn’t be the person I am now and that especially us girls get stronger every day.

    hope I can also help you a little bit by coming over it with this short text because I feel you girl..I really do..

    Thank you for inspiring us every Day!
    You’re amazing ! :)

    Love julia

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