PERSONAL | Dear Diary, I have so much to tell you…

PERSONAL | Dear Diary, I have so much to tell you...

Dear diary, I have so much to tell you... So much has happened since the last time I just sat down and started writing down what I feel. There are so many stories I haven't really shared with you. But why? Why haven't I written anything personal this year on my blog? I don't really have one straight up answer to that question. Only somewhere along the way, I started noticing how much I had distanced myself from my blog. However, there is one biggest factor that played a big part. And that's this: My life felt like a mess. And in that mess, I lost myself.

 


"In short, kairos means 'the right or opportune moment'.  And if there is one thing I am certain of, it's that no moment in my life felt like the right one."


 

There, I finally said it. I honestly feel like I have lost myself this year.

I didn't realize it at first, or at least I tried my best to ignore it as much as possible. I kept teling myself that everything was still the same, that nothing has changed and I had everything under control. I was desperately trying to stay in the old swing of things, my old balance. It was all a big, big lie. With all the things that happened, it was just impossible for me to stay the same. Even when I stopped thinking about these past experiences, their imprint on my mind would not go away. I carried them around like they were tatted onto my skin. Slowly they were molding me into somebody else, despite the fact I was still holding on to the old picture of me. Of course, there were always those certain moments that made me walk down memory lane and relive everything that happened. Nevertheless, I still thought that everything would go back to normal if I would just keep going. 'Just keep moving forward, do not give up,' was something I would always say to myself. In a way, this was the case indeed. If we see time as a chronological matter (chronos, χρόνος), time was passing by. Days, weeks and even months. However, the Ancient Greek also used a second form of time called kairos (καιρός). Kairos isn't linear, like chronos is. It's not measurable like chronos is. Kairos is described as a period or season, a moment of indeterminate amount of time in which an event of significance happens. In short, kairos means 'the right or opportune moment'.  And if there is one thing I am certain of, it's that no moment in my life felt like the right one.

I know what you're thinking. 'C'mon, Lilia's life a mess? Oh please, she probably overreacting. She seems so organized and in control of her life, that can't be true.'

In a way, you are right. My life isn't a complete mess. I had some amazing things happen to me this year and I definitely feel fortunate. I pursued my passion for Philosophy, I managed to keep my Research Master in Law grade a 8/10 (and cum laude as well!), I was nominated for the VEED Award and I got into a George Washington Law School for an exchange program next semester. I'm not saying these things aren't great. However, this was only part of my life. The other part was constantly swifting, changing into a different direction and I just couldn't keep up. Somewhere in the mess of all the (un)fortunate events that happened to me this year, I lost myself. And this made me feel like I did not have the right kairos in my life. Something was off. I was off.

Before I am going to talk about that further, it's necessary to dive into a bit of prejudice people can have about me. I usually don't talk about this topic, but it's important to speak up about it once and for all. Of course, being judged by others comes with the job I chose. It's not like I didn't expect people to have opinions about me. It's also not like I have never encountered others judging me before either. I have always been one of those people that could never fit into the crowd. In a way, I did not even want to fit in. I just did not understand the 'point' of being like others. This caused some people to have quite some harsh opinions about me. However, the things some people would say about me on internet was on another level. I'm not going to discuss what they are. What you actually think of me, positive or negative, is not the point. That's up to you, and I respect that. But the amount of things people openly have to say about you, is something you can never be prepared for. It is not natural for a human being to be exposed to so many opinions on a daily basis. In everyday life, people tend to keep their judgements to themselves. On the internet, people feel less of a barrier to voice their thoughts and feelings (it's called the online inhibition effect), and end up saying things they would never have said in real life. Although I am rather confident about myself, and I don't let other people tell me what to do, there are always those days when a couple of shocking words can really put you down. Because sometimes, it's just too much. People don't realize how powerful these words are, and that is scary as hell. Words aren't just words. They are acts, that actually have a physical impact on you (this is called the Speech Act theory of John Austin). That's why words can influence our behavior and the way we think about ourselves so much. But in the end, the best thing to do is to ignore that sort of negativity as much as possible. I block a person that writes hateful things and I stopped reading what people had to say about me online for ages now. Not because I don't think we should have freedom of speech, but because I believe we should protect ourselves from the harm of hate speech.

 


"People still had this old picture of me that didn't add up to the new one. This caused me to feel like there were two persona: Lily, or Lily Like, and me, just Lilia."


 

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In addition to this, there's also another aspect I struggled with: people think that they know me. Through the content that I put out on the internet, and the opinions that are formed based on that content, people start creating a certain picture of me. I have to fit in a specific box that matches with their views, otherwise things don't add up. This 'box-thinking' became extremely clear for me this year, when so much has changed in my personal life. My life was changing and so was I. However, people still had this old picture of me that didn't add up to the new one. This caused me to feel like there were two persona: Lily, or Lily Like, and me, just Lilia. In the beginning, I found accepting this very difficult. I tried to show more of myself, of 'Lilia'. However, I've noticed that people started saying things like 'oh that's so not you' or 'you've changed so much, I liked the older you'. I just wanted to answer that I of course has changed since my first Youtube days, but that I also started to show more facets of my paradoxical personality. But for most people, that was just too much effort to deal with. They wanted to keep me safe and sound in their boxes and that's it. I guess that's the price you pay when your business is actually you as a persona or brand. I am only able (and willing) to show a certain part of me. However, people think that's everything that's to me. Trust me, that's not the case. My inner waters run deeper than I am ever able to express to anyone but myself.

Okay, sorry for this little detour. The truth is: this year has been a very hard year for me. It felt like all the foundations I've built the past years all came crashing down at me at once. Things I've wanted to achieve so badly, didn't spark any interest in me at all.  They gave me that awkward feeling you sometimes get when you are in a situation you have to be in, yet if it was up to you, you would have bought the first train ticket available to the furthest city you know. Certain people I thought would always be on my side no matter what, now feel like friendly acquaintances. It's like you are eating your favorite meal from when you were a kid, but it doesn't taste the same. You remember how much you loved the flavour of the meal when you were younger, but when you actually taste it now, it's not as good as your memories. Beliefs I held for true back then, now seem like inside jokes. It feels like you are looking through pictures from one of those embarrassing stages you had when you were a teen and you are like 'I honestly can't believe that I thought that looked cute lol'.

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PERSONAL | Dear Diary, I have so much to tell you...


"The reason why I lost myself was not due to these changes. It was due to the fact that I thought these changes were bad."


 

The reason why I lost myself was not due to these changes. It was due to the fact that I thought changing is bad. The foundations of my life didn't collapse randomly. They collapsed, because I knew that I discovered that they were not true for me anymore and I had to think of something better. Taking up philosophy courses this year, letting go of my previous dream of becoming a lawyer, accepting my changed relationships with people and most of all, discovering what truly makes me happy; these things made me realize how much my mind has changed and that I just couldn't go on and pretend to be the same person I was before all this. I wanted so badly to still fit in the box I and others made for myself, that I stopped reflecting about what would give me joy.

I feel like society is so focused on plans. What do you want to achieve in 5 years? What is your ultimate life goal? Anyone expects you to answer these questions in 0.3 seconds. And although I am a firm believer of making plans, I do believe that we should never forget that plans will only bring us so far. You can't forsee in which direction we need to go or where Dao will takes us in the end (for more information about Dao or 'the path of life', check out this blogpost). We will just never know. That's why you can make a life plan, but you can't plan out your life. So I am not saying that making plans is not good, I am just saying that reflecting why you want to achieve these plans is even better. It's like creating a bigger picture: If you know what you are living for, it does not matter if you don't stick to your initial plans.

Plans can become dangerous if you stop reflecting. Chasing after goals just for the sake of achieving them, is kind of what happened to me. I was so determined to succeed in the goals that I made for myself, that I completely forgot to actually ask myself if these actualized plans would even make me happy. I lost myself in this mess called life, because I was searching for eternal stability to achieve these goals I had instead of eternal happiness. I was trying to fixate life, thoughts, beliefs and people. I didn't understand that my path of life may crossed theirs in the past, but that later on, I had to move on towards a different destination. Only by reflecting on my actual goals, dreams and plans, did I discover what I truly wanted with my life. I am now still in law school, but I switched to a completely different 'major' (it works a bit different in our LL.M., but this is the easiest way to explain it). Instead of criminal law, I am now fully focused on law of philosophy. I also made the decision that after I am done with studying (which is still like 3 years or something, due to the fact I want to do a double degree master as well), I will continue with my blog, Youtube and Supplied by Lily fulltime. I honestly feel so happy and fortunate every time I am able to create content and inspire you with it. The biggest change however, is that I am leaving Groningen behind and I am actually moving to Washington D.C. in less than 2 months. Although I was grateful for being able to go there, I felt more anxious than happy for this big change at first. I was so afraid that my life would change for the worse and I would regret it. However, now I feel like leaving Groningen and this change of scenery is actually the thing that I need to develop myself even further.

 


"Although 'change is good' is one of those things you will hear multiple times in your life, probably from all kinds of different people, the question is if you have sincerely given it some thought."


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PERSONAL | Dear Diary, I have so much to tell you...

PERSONAL | Dear Diary, I have so much to tell you...PERSONAL | Dear Diary, I have so much to tell you...Bewaren

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If there is any moral to this story, it is that I want you that know that you should embrace change. I know, I know, cliché af. But just think about it. Although 'change is good' is one of those things you will hear multiple times in your life, probably from all kinds of different people, the question that remains is if you have sincerely given it some thought. To me personally, I didn't embrace change at all. The changed me conflicted with my initial plans and the way I initially tried to find balance in my life. Real change didn't seem good to me. Now I realize that I was wrong. Change is inevitable, and that's a good thing. Without these changes, I would never have achieved so much, I would never have learned so much, and I would definitely never be in the same place I am today. And although I wish that some of these changes may happened differently, more gracefully, I survived it all in the end. And it made me a stronger person than ever before.

So here I am, 2500, very personal words later. Hopefully there is something you learned from this or there something about this that's relatable. If you are in the same position as me (you are noticing that you have changed, yet you don't want to commit to the consequences yet, because it feels scary), I especially hope this was helpful to you. I know a lot of people read my blog, but that doesn't stop me from sharing personal experiences. Honestly I can't even visualize a space filled with hundred people, let alone thousands. Nonetheless, if there's even one person I could help with this, I feel like my task is completed.

My blog will always feel like my personal place on the world wide web: my online diary that for some reason you are actually reading right now. Maybe you have been following my journey for a while now. Maybe you just arrived. Or maybe you are just a tad nosey and this title made you curious (sorry, didn't mean to make it sound clickbaity in that case). In any case: in some form or shape, you are part of my life now. And I want to thank you for that. Thank you for being part of my story and taking some of the precious time in your life to read this. I could not have done this without you.

Writing will always be my ultimate passion. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to become a writer (no Disney princess or house mom, no I wanted to write down stories). I love making Youtube videos, I love creating visual content, but there's nothing more fullfilling to me than being able to express myself in words and making others feel those words too. Language is so powerful, magical and mysterious. Everyone uses it, however nobody really knows how it evolves. That's what I love about it. However, I want to be honest with you guys. This time, I find it so scary to write and publish this blogpost. It's not like I haven't opened up to you before, but this time it feels different. Everything does. I do. And that's a good thing. It's time to finally end this chapter now, and start writing the beginning of a new one: the D.C. Diaries.

 

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THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONSTANT LOVE, SUPPORT & WHAT ELSE. YOU ARE AMAZING. I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR HAVING YOU IN MY LIFE. I LOVE YOU.

xo Lilia

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76 Comments

  1. June 11, 2017 / 10:44

    I love your blog, you really inspire me. I enjoy watching your youtube videos too. I recently started my own blog too, and I appreciate the effort you put into your content, I think it’s fantastic. Keep up the good work! Best of luck!

    • June 11, 2017 / 16:57

      Thank you so much Amy <3

  2. Ana
    June 11, 2017 / 11:15

    Lilia, you are not alone! I also feel like losing myself in achieving goals that I made for myself..I am also a law student and influencer in my country, not by youtube or blog, but in business world. I make plans daily, but what happend in this year and me becoming an influencer in such an early years was so not planned. At the moment I was cought up with business travels, meetings, people trying to ruin my business and me being nervous all the time ‘fighting’ those people, that I lost myself and my peace.

    Just wanted to share that you are not alone, love your videos they inspire me so much to be better in every aspect in life! <3

    • August 9, 2017 / 11:46

      Thank you Ana <3

  3. June 11, 2017 / 12:03

    I’ve struggled like this quite a bit as well in the past. I had a huge moment half way through uni where I felt lost and I had no idea what I was doing with my life and it scared me. Law school at my university was very hard to get into, and when I failed at it two years running I was completely devastated for a very long time, not helped by the fact that my personal life was a complete shitshow and I had got pneumonia around then too.

    At that point I was half way through my Bachelor of Arts and had to major in something, so I double majored, in classics and philosophy. I found my love for ethical theory and a passion for my studies for the first time ever, but I still had no idea what I was doing. My foundations felt like they were crumbling too and I had no idea what I was doing and I was so lost. I joined the photographic society because of my love for photography and desire to meet some new people, and met my now business partner, and we are commercial and lifestyle photographers together. I was so in that mindset that I couldn’t see how everything was coming together and here I am, not a lawyer, and I feel like I have a purpose again.

    I think you are right, you can plan all you want, and goals and planning are super important in succeeding in anything, but there are some things that will always throw those off. Whilst we didn’t have an identical experience, I totally relate to you on all of this and I really appreciate you coming out and talking about it. I totally get it, and it’s not easy. I hated that my life wasn’t happening how I planned it, and I felt like the world was telling me I wasn’t good enough, but I was brave and took some big steps forward for myself and it brought me to where I am now. I hate change, and it’s so hard to embrace it when you are wrapped up in the comfort of what you are used to, but you really do flourish most when you force yourself into the challenge of new territory.

    Loved this post, because I relate to it so much. You are a fucking badass and nothing is going to stand in your way. I’m excited to see what you end up doing, no matter what it is.

    Loving the philosophy twist everything has taken recently though. Makes me feel at home like the phil nerd I am :p

    • August 9, 2017 / 11:47

      Ah loved reading this, thank you so much for sharing Charlotte <3 Philo nerds unite haha.

  4. Eimantė
    June 11, 2017 / 12:55

    Thank you for your openness. You are such inspirational and amazing person. Love you ❤

    • August 9, 2017 / 11:48

      You’re so welcome <3

  5. June 11, 2017 / 13:18

    I love this so much! You’re being so honest and I think this is so relatable. If you’re in your twenties (or maybe older or younger) I guess you’ll have this kind of crisis. And I agree that the key is to just let it happen. :)

    • August 9, 2017 / 11:47

      Thank you Catherine! xo

  6. Sofie
    June 11, 2017 / 13:19

    Dear Lily,

    I’m following you for a while now (mostly through Instagram) and I’m very proud that you could be so open to us, and the world. But mostly open to yourself. Reading your story made me reflect on mine. I also realise that I am not open to change as much as I wanted to. My dream was to become a journalist, specialised in the Middle East. I lost my heart and mind to Israel and the problems there. And me to, as a little girl dreamed of being an independent writer. Then I started studying Political Science, as I still do. But I stopped writing. I stopped dreaming about what I wanted to become. The only thing that keeps me going now is the thought of that single paper called a ‘diploma’. My life evolves around it. I follow the crowd, try not to speak too loud, try to fit the most, just so I don’t make a mistake and certainly don’t lose my chance of this diploma. I’m in my third year now, and I’m happy that I’m going to England next year for half a year. The growth and reflection you have and can write down, I really hope I will get when I am there. I feel like I’m losing myself more and more in a void of people who try so much to be different, but yet are all the same.
    Thank you for this post, thank you for the inspiration.
    I’m also anxious about next year, and I know England is not the same as USA in distance since I live in Belgium, I hope we will learn a lot from it. Anyway, will stay by your side during the journey!

    Lots of love x

    • Ti
      June 11, 2017 / 14:27

      OMG .. same here .. i studied political science and yet i feel like i am lost.
      At the beginning i thought that PS is what i want and that it’s going to get me where i want to be but when i went to college and faced the reality everything fell apart. I couldn’t follow my plans or even keep them, i couldn’t deal with change and what i got in the end is going through the worst 4 years of my life with very bad grades that didn’t help getting me anywhere ! Now i feel like i am stuck and can’t move, and when i think about studying something else ( i finished college and need to find a job and going back there is not easy and needs a lot of money ! Plus i don’t think i am ready to go back again into that dark stressful spot and bad hustle ! I am so confused, stressed and can’t keep moving with my life ) like philosophy because i love it i feel like that i am incapable of going through the study journey again with all its painful process !!

    • August 9, 2017 / 11:50

      Aw thank you Sofie, this is so nice to read as well! Good luck with everything <3

  7. Lydia
    June 11, 2017 / 13:23

    Thank you for your article. I have the same feeling like you. You make me feel l’m not alone. I love the photo you posted now. I love pink and flowers.Cheer up!

  8. María
    June 11, 2017 / 15:00

    Oh Lilia, thank you so much for this personal and brave post!
    Your writing is amazing and you express yourself so well to the point that you make us reflect and feel.
    I also had a rough time in 2016-beginning of 2017. I totally lost myself and I needed help and time to realize that certain things, me included, had changed and that what I thought certain parts of my life were gonna look like were not like that anymore.
    I started to embrace change (I still do) and little by little I am shaping my life again. Things are getting better and I know myself better. I am finding my place surrounded by the people who want to be there and who I love.
    Beautiful post and I truly think that the person behind it is even more beuatiful <3

    • August 9, 2017 / 11:51

      You’re so welcom Maria, good luck to you too <3

  9. Jingxian
    June 11, 2017 / 17:44

    Dear Lilia,
    Hey there. I’m one of your subscribers from Singapore :) Reading your blog post strengthened the belief and the fact that I have also lost myself in the process of everything. In a fast paced and highly competitive society I Singapore, I’m forced to plan my life, to be the highest achiever so I can survive in this modernized society. But I realised that in the process of being a perfectionist, having high expectations of myself, just like you do, I completely lost myself. It’s hard to say how or in what sense have I lost myself, but I really did. It’s that very strong feeling I know. Deep in my heart I know the fact, and I accept it. But I just hit a standstill in my life, I don’t know what to do since I lost myself.

    I’ve been so focused on doing well for my A levels, which is coming up in 5 months, and I’m not prepared. I’m so scared of what’s to come, all I know is I want to do well. But sometimes people around me just tell me to take a break, from what I always do: study. Perhaps I’m just doing it for the sake of my future, not with any passion at all. I ask myself: what am I working hard for? What is my plan?

    And sad/not sad to say, I don’t know. I have no answer to those burning questions I have for myself, and people have of me. I feel like we are somewhat similar in many ways. I really can’t fit in too, although I have my close group of friends, sometimes I just feel left out, I felt alone.

    Reading this blog post made me realise that how ever perfect a person might seem to be, they are not. They have their own struggles too. I really admire you a lot, your hard work, your perseverance, your good study-life balance and your personality. I feel like we’re on the same boat. I really hope that you can be more personal and express your thoughts, sharing with us what you go through. Because truth is you’re not alone. I struggle with losing myself and I hope that we will be able to find ourselves back together, as one. I’m just like you, learning to embrace change, and although I’m still not really good at that, at least I know I’m trying! I will always support you :)

    • August 9, 2017 / 11:51

      You will find your way, I am sure of that <3

  10. Ayaka
    June 11, 2017 / 19:50

    Hi, Lily,

    From Japan. I love your videos and all the staff you post with a great passion. This is my first time to reach your blog, but I was really impressed and felt like I’m not alone.

    I completely agree with you in that nobody can stop you from expressing yourself. I’ve been always encouraged by the words and sentences you create and those work you’ve done made me stronger in a sense. I think most people are not tough like you, not brave like you, or even not smart, intelligent and logical like you. You’re so incredible, even when you are lost or having a difficult time in finding your own solution.

    You are creating such beautiful products and styles that inspire world, but what I was impressed with you most is your honest attitude towards everything you face. Fashion and make-up are actually not my strong point, but after I met with your youtube channel I feel something is changing in my mind. You make me think beauty is not a tool to please somebody else, but it’s something for me, something that keeps myself motivated and feeling free to be what I wanna be. I’d love to embrace this new idea that is emerging inside me, and I’d appreciate your honesty because I woudn’t have this confidence without you.

    I really hope you’ll encounter a lot of your fans and supporters who understand your ideas and thoughts. I love the way you currently are , but I also enjoy watching you changing. Good luck on your journey, I’m on your side!

    • August 9, 2017 / 11:52

      Thank you so much Ayaka, so nice of you <3

  11. June 12, 2017 / 00:27

    I really enjoy reading your blog and how well put together your content is. I am also subbed to your YouTube. You are so right, change is a part of life. Growth can only happen through change. I remember feeling very lost when I was 23, trust me you its soooo normal. I have a feeling you are really going to like Washington and all the experiences and memories you will make there.

    • August 9, 2017 / 11:52

      Thank you Jeddi <3

  12. Aaliyah
    June 12, 2017 / 01:10

    I never really comment on anything but I just wanted to say thank you. I value this “letter” if I could say, it was beautifully written and made me pause to reflect change. This is the first post of yours I’ve read but most articles or posts that are written never really have substance to them or are just thrown haphazardly together. Everything you’ve written was purposeful and I appreciate it so very much. I read every sentence instead of the usual skimming and each one was impactful. Again, thank you for taking the time to write such a beautiful post. Much Love.

    • August 9, 2017 / 11:53

      So sweet of you, thank you <3

  13. Typhaine
    June 12, 2017 / 01:17

    Your post made me opened my eyes about what I really want I’m exactly in the same state of mind I don’t want any change in my life but I know it’s inevitable for what I want to accomplish, thank you, without knowing it you’ve helped me made a choice and set me free of any weight I had on my shoulders. Really thank you for inspiring me.

    • August 9, 2017 / 11:53

      I’m glad to hear that <3

  14. Shabrina
    June 12, 2017 / 03:44

    Hi Lilia! Thank you for your story, I got a few wisdom by reading it.
    Btw I’m an Indonesian, but I was an International Business student in University of Groningen. I felt the same way as you that I was anxious of moving to the Netherlands and scared of the unknown. But it turned out to be one of the best decisions in my life. Moving away to a whole new place can really give you a new perspective in life and you’ll learn a lot from it. I am now a different person from when I was before I moved to Groningen, but I’m okay with it, as long as it makes me a better person. Some people may talk behind my back but whatever I can’t force everyone to like me.
    It’s been a month or so since I left and now I miss Groningen and the Netherlands so much. I really love watching your vlogs cause it makes me reminisce my precious times in Groningen. I didn’t even get to visit Vapiano Groningen or the new UB lol. The Netherlands already feel like home and I can’t wait to come back for my master!
    And as for you, I wish you good lots of luck and lots of fun in Washington!

    • August 9, 2017 / 11:57

      Ahh too bad you missed Vapiano and the UB because it is so nice! Glad you’re coming back <3

  15. June 12, 2017 / 04:35

    You are such an inspiring person!
    I for sure can relate to this. We just never stop changing…we lose our landmarks and that can be destabilizing and even scary.
    Keep doing what you do and thanks for sharing!

  16. Dapiksha
    June 12, 2017 / 07:26

    Heya. I am also a law student (from india) belive it or not i am also feeling the same about things you had just explained. My intrest in becoming who i want to be once, does not spark me anymore. I am too confused so i can’t assure you of anything. But let’s just not forget we are on a huge ball of ice and the last time i checked earth was just the same. So this shall too pass and we will find ourselves and that spark eventually. All the best for everything. Love your content

    • August 9, 2017 / 11:58

      Totally agree <3

  17. Urška
    June 12, 2017 / 09:12

    This post was so beautiful and so real. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m so excited for you, for what the future is bringing, for all the amazing experiences you’ll have in D.C. I just want you to know that, even if I don’t know you in person, I am so so proud of you. You are amazing and such a hard-working beautiful, smart woman and you’ll stay my inspiration always. <3

    • August 9, 2017 / 11:59

      this is too sweet, thank you <3

  18. June 12, 2017 / 10:37

    Lilia, thank you so much for posting this! I’m sure that a lot of people in our age are feeling the same and get lost once in a while during our journey.
    I’m a medical student and as in right now, I’m going trough the same situation which you described so beautifully and by reading the comments of the others in this section, we are definitely not alone.
    Of course I don’t know you in person, but I follow your pathway for some time now and I watched you grow in personality, opinion and strength – you should be very proud of yourself and of what you already have accomplished. I’m sure with all the changes, doubts and overwhelming feelings, you will do amazing in the future.
    Lots of Love x

    • August 9, 2017 / 12:04

      You’re so welcome! Nice to read your story too <3

  19. Laura
    June 12, 2017 / 15:02

    Hi Lilia! I’ve just discovered you on YouTube and now your blog (love them both).
    I think you’re very brave for sharing this topic on your blog. Everyone feel lost at least once in their lives. In most cases they just don’t talk about it, either in fear of being judged, or in fear of showing their weaknesses…. or whatever kind of reason.

    I lately found myself in the same situation and somehow not being able to explain that. I just felt so. Change is inevitable, it happens. The most important part is not the change itself, but how you decide to face it. Accept and so move on and grow, or deny and so find yourself stuck in it.

    Moving to another city can be scary. I moved to a new city when I was 19 due to university.
    That was when I lost myself. I didn’t know anyone, I’ve got no friends there, my roommates where not helping. I started questioning everything and thinking “Does it worth it?”.  Even if I liked my courses I got to the point where I started thinking “come on, just be realistic. This is not for you, I don’t even know what where you thinking when you decided this. Just give up”.
    At that age I felt a kid, and maybe I still am (I’m 23 now). Change: accept (move on, learn something more about you and try to get the best from the situation) or deny (go home, give up and convince yourself you’re a failure). I accepted that. I focus on my study, I met some new friends, I graduated and I finished it. I won. I knew something more about me, what I’m able to do if I only don’t listen to that little voice inside my head.
    In September I’ll move to another city to start my graduate courses. I’m not scared this time, well I’m excited. I’ll change my degree. Everyone keep telling me that this decision is a mistake. Anyway, I’m sure about it and that’s it.
    People will never lose the chance to give their opinion, whether asked or not asked. Of course, it’s always up to you. I decided to no longer listened to them, because they will always say something. You can do the right thing and they’ll still find something wrong. So what’s for? What’s important is that you are doing what you want, what you like/love. I think the point is to like the person you are. To be able to look at yourself in the mirror and think “I’m a good person”. It took me years to get that and it’s still a work in progress. I always wanted to please everyone to the point that I almost got sick for it. It doesn’t worth it. This past summer was by breakpoint. I “broke” myself to the point I didn’t even know how to start to rebuild myself, but somehow I managed that. I won, again.

    You’re not alone, so keep going!
    Love you <3

    • August 9, 2017 / 12:12

      Aww your comment made me tear up a bit! thank you for sharing your story <3

  20. June 12, 2017 / 15:43

    Lillia,

    Thank you for this post. It feels better to know that other people – especially people I look up to – are dealing with problems I am struggling with.

    Your description of change perfectly explains my current situation. I’ve always had my life planned out during the last four years of high school, but as the time approaches for me to move on, I also find myself struggling to hold on to the things I used to love.

    I am currently planning to pursue Engineering in my home state, but my dream is to live in a big city and follow my love of fashion and art. I have no idea what I want to do- continue with engineering, delving into business or law, or figure out some way to make a fashion career a financial option. I’m excited to go off and figure out my future, but I am also scared that I will end up compromising my dreams in order to have a secure career. I’d love to live in a city internationally, and I’m also struggling with setting aside dreams I’ve had since I was a little girl. So much of my future revolves around money, the type of life I want to lead, and where I want to be. For the first time in my life, who I am and who I want to be is unclear.

    Thank you for your honestly. In some ways, you embody the person I aspire to be- passionate, creative, and unapologetically unique. It is refreshing to find a fashion influencer who is so open with their life and their struggles. Seeing you simultaneously doing law, philosophy, and fashion inspires me to continue to find my own life balance. I want to learn how to embrace the uncertainty in my future, and it’s certainly easier to do knowing that I am not alone. Best of luck on your future adventures, goals, and dreams; we will be with you every step of the way.

    • August 9, 2017 / 12:13

      Thank you so much sweet Olivia! Loved reading your comment and good luck to you too <3

  21. Gwen
    June 12, 2017 / 17:06

    Aaaww!! So inspiring. Follow your ♥ honey, it’s worth the try

  22. June 12, 2017 / 17:52

    I want to be honest with you, most of the time I don’t really read big article like this (i’m ver lazy I know haha). But today I feel like I need to read it, because you’re one of my favorite blogger and I love everything you’re doing. Plus you’re such an inspiration to me, hope you will not be angry, but most of the time I “copy” your house style for mine :P That inspire me so much !
    Anyway, what I wanted to say is that it’s okay to sometimes feeling lost in life, it happened to me sometimes, even more because I have anxiety and panic attack and life is really really difficult sometimes. But you did the right thing, you’re a positive person, you like what you do, you’re brave and it seems like you want to succeed in life ;) Stay strong, take a deep breath and think, do what you love, not what people want you to do :) Most of the time it’s difficult because people judge, blah blah, and I know what I say. I leaved school at 18 because I felt lost and started to school phobia (kinda weird I know) and I started my own online shop now in my 20, working on this project of 1 years and more. People are judging but I love what I do and even if sometimes I want to give up, I start to read positive quotes, books or blog (like yours) and I have the courage !
    So (sorry I lost myself in words) I hope everything will be fine at Washington DC and that you will feel more confident about yourself <3
    (I'm from France, sorry if there is some spelling mistakes)
    Kisses x

    • August 9, 2017 / 12:19

      Aww thank you so much for your kind words <3

  23. Ivy
    June 12, 2017 / 21:27

    Hi dear Lilia,

    I admire your charachter because if you would have let the mean comments influence you, you would never achieve what you achieved. And for that, one needs huge balls. Most of us are influeced so easily by family, friends and strangers that we become what we are expected to be. Thats fucking boring. And sad.

    Ive never fit in any group of people, and while i was partly suffering from that, ive reallized that this who i fucking am. The same about you – you are doing your thing regardless if you are fitting the norms or not. You are going to have a brand new life in USA, rock it gal!!! Enjoy every single second, and make more amazing stuff with your YouTube channel.

    Everyone has break points. But i feel that this long sencear post is the perfect step before going to a next level in your life. I am pretty much shy that i write you such a private comment – i dont know you personaly, but i understand everything you’ve wrote.

    Please be yourself no matter what

    • August 9, 2017 / 12:23

      Thank you Ivy <3

  24. Ellen
    June 12, 2017 / 21:40

    Dear Lilia, change will always happen when your growing. And you have grown so much the past two years! Everything will turn out just fine, you have to trust your proces.
    Keep up the good work, I love your style and the content your making.

    • August 9, 2017 / 12:23

      I will, thanks Ellen!

  25. Jazmin Ja
    June 12, 2017 / 21:50

    Amazing! You can do it girl! Keep changing for the best. Don’t be scared. Many of people around us are changing too. Anything you do, what ever work you have to get done, do it with peace. God bless you beautiful!

  26. Mary
    June 12, 2017 / 22:42

    Dear Lilia,
    embrace the change! It seems to me that studying philosophy has a deep impact on you and gives you the capacity to think outside of the box, as you already said, and in my opinion that’s great! The world needs more people like that! The box is stupid, smash it! Think differently and inspire others to do the same..
    I just wanted to send you some kind words.. a little affirmation to follow your path, or to change it… adapt it to your needs.. just float with the dao ;)
    PS I love your philosophy-videos – and I have a little book recommendation considering the whole dao-topic -> I personally really enjoyed Alan Watts’ book “The watercourse way”. It definitely has broadened my way of perceiving the world around me..
    Lots of love! :)

    • August 9, 2017 / 12:24

      It definitely had Mary! Thank you, will check it out <3

  27. Imane
    June 13, 2017 / 01:33

    Hi lilia! i have read this post till the end , and i am so glad that you finally embraced the change in your life . i wish you all the best in your journey , good luck for D.C! as a 16 year old i just want to express how much of a rolemodel you are for me , not just for your intellect ,or elegent style , but for your honesty and just how real you are . Thank you for everything !
    best wishes from Morocco.
    Love you xoxo

    • August 9, 2017 / 12:24

      Thank you, i am so glad to hear that <3

  28. June 13, 2017 / 14:40

    Hey Lilia,
    Being honest is one if the greatest things in life and especially when your honest to yourself.Am glad and happy there are people like you in this world.
    Am also a law student in my small country found in Africa named Tanzania.&i also love writing so much and my goal is to be an author with lots of books that will inspire people just like the way you inspire me.
    I do write,so i know how people can judge and try to figure your persona while it is not the real you.
    I have never missed your youtube videos,your snapchat,instagram is something i pass by everyday.Thank you for inspiring me.
    Keep up with the good work,I love you.

    With love,from Tanzania.

    • August 9, 2017 / 12:25

      Thank you Jolyce, you’re too kind <3

  29. tk
    June 13, 2017 / 23:30

    love this and how honest you are, it’s not easy! Take care <3

  30. June 15, 2017 / 14:40

    Get it honey, have seen you grow from 2k subies and the only way you can go is higher. Have you changed? Yes! Self development and improvement is inevitable for a young, ambitious, successful lady like you. I mean don’t we all aspire to better ourselves, step out of our comfort zones to be the best versions of ourselves. That is exactly the path you took sadly for the tunnelled visioned peeps, instead of applauding at your progress they instead purpose to tear you down you their calibre. If only people borrowed a leaf and learned to celebrate others’ success as they work on making their grass greener. Go on and block the naysayers because they are tonnes of like minded women out here who see your vision an got your back 100. xx
    NELLY recently posted…5 Morning Habits of a Successful Girlboss

    • August 9, 2017 / 12:36

      Aw thank you so much for this comment, it made my day <3

  31. Yashira
    June 21, 2017 / 14:15

    Hi Lilia! It’s my first time reading your blog…ever. I’d come in before, since I’ve been following you for a year, but when you mentioned this being a personal post I felt intrigued and so I took a few minutes to actually read this time.. You sounded very hesitant yet determined during the Vlog. I’m not very good with words and I don’t want you to roll your eyes at me for being cliché, so I just wanted to say that I love you so much. You inspire me each and every day. I look forward to your Uni videos, and seeing you achieve so much…just wow.
    I’m sorry for those people who made you feel like you were wrong in a way… personally, I perceived this “change” as pure growth. For anyone that’s been following you from the start to expect for you to not be different now is ridiculous. We all change and we grow and we experience and we change our mind about things and our perspectives change as well.
    Your my Queen. You are a Queen/Boss/whatever-you-want-to-call-yourself. You’re so, so wonderful, and you just have no idea…you have no idea how grateful I am that you exist. You exist and I’m here existing at the other side of the world, and we someone connect thanks to your decision to just share yourself. No, we don’t see EVERYTHING, and we don’t have to.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you, for always working hard and trying to please your viewers. You are amazing, and you got this, but you also deserve rest and time and patience and understanding.
    Keep your head up, because the only person who will ever TRULY know your is yourself. That’s who you have to be at ease with, no one else, not really.
    I love you, girl. Take care, yeah? <3
    P.S: Sorry for any grammatical errors, I have a lecure in a few minutes, I have no time to check haha

    • August 9, 2017 / 12:37

      Aw thank you so much Yashira, love you too <3

  32. June 22, 2017 / 03:33

    Thank you so much for opening up Lilia. I have been a follower for quite some time now and you have been an immense source of inspiration. My life is also changing and I am scared. Thank you, this post came at the right time.
    Ayeesha recently posted…Disturbed

    • August 9, 2017 / 12:57

      Glad to hear <3

  33. RM
    June 22, 2017 / 15:06

    Thank you for writing this blogpost, your words really touched me, I like your videos, and this is the first time I read your blogpost. Anyways, wish you all the best!

    • August 9, 2017 / 12:58

      Aw thank you! xo

  34. Katherine
    June 23, 2017 / 10:23

    I feel you girl! Feeling the same lately. Since I moved to Cyprus I could not stop thinking about, lets say my choices in general. When I was 18, I decided to stop modelling. Even though I enjoyed it very much, at some point my body just gave up. It was hard to admit that the dream of your life decided to end these “relationships”. Although, I was thinking that it was for the best, sometimes I am asking myself if I would continue at that rhythm of life.
    Nowadays, I am feeling lost mainly because the things I liked and that brought the joy in my life- no longer work for me. As you said, its like you have your favourite dish or whatever it is, but the day comes and you no longer enjoy it as you did before. Literally the story of my life… So now, I am trying to kick myself out of this bubble that I have created. Sometime I am feeling afraid of new things. And even though people tell me that its good to try something new, but the problem arises when you have no f*** idea what to try first.
    Personal note to this incredible girl: Never be afraid of changes. When I was 14 I left my hometown to pursue the dream of my life, even this dream did not want to accept me. You will move to the USA and will experience more things that you do now. I wish you to surround yourself by incredible people as you are and just keep going to do a great job. With love, Katherine, from the tiniest place in the world:)

    • August 9, 2017 / 13:00

      Aw so nice to read your story too. Thank you so much <3

  35. Ron
    June 27, 2017 / 11:12

    Change is good ONLY if it is for one’s BETTERMENT. I guess you passed that litmus test.

  36. Meg
    July 9, 2017 / 13:05

    Dear Lilia,

    I’ve been following you on YouTube for about a year now and your videos definitely help me get motivated for study! You are doing a wonderful job and I’m very excited to see what you get up to in Washington D.C!

    Thank you so much for this blog post. It has really opened my eyes! I’m three years into my undergraduate degree and have been WAY too scared to go on exchange. I’ve been learning Mandarin Chinese but yet I’am too scared to actually go and study in Beijing or Shanghai for six months.

    What if everyone laughs at my speaking ability? What if it’s too different and I can’t handle the culture shock? What if I don’t make any friends? So I’ve been putting it off for the last year…

    This post has made me realise that I really need to embrace my fears and just go for it. Who knows what could happen! I want to embrace change just like you have and see what China has to offer!

    Lots of love from Australia xxxxx and 加油在华盛顿特区!(good luck in Washington D.C!)

    • August 9, 2017 / 13:10

      Aw I am so glad to hear that <3

  37. Milou
    July 19, 2017 / 18:22

    Lieve Lilia,

    Allereerst bedankt voor het delen van deze ontzettend persoonlijke experiences. Ik denk dat we hier allemaal op een bepaald punt van ons leven (meerdere momenten misschien) mee te maken hebben.
    Ik denk dat ik een jaar geleden per toeval uitkwam op je law school morning routine en daaraan merkte ik al dat je Nederlands was (love the accent!). Op dat moment studeerde ik nog aan een kunstopleiding en ben ik je eigenlijk een beetje vergeten (sorry!). Maar vanaf eind augustus ga ik Rechten studeren en bedacht ik me ineens dat ik een jaar geleden jouw youtubekanaal tegen was gekomen. Vandaag weer een aantal heerlijke filmpjes gekeken en daardoor ben ik uitgekomen op deze persoonlijke post. Nu is dus het perfecte moment voor mij om je te volgen en inspiratie op verschillende vlakken op te doen uit je blogs en youtubefilmpjes. Okee, ik ben me ervan bewust dat het voor jou misschien allemaal niet heel duidelijk en samenhangend klinkt, maar ik hoop dat je het wel begrijpt in grote lijnen. Je schreef in deze blog al dat je een inspiratie voor tenminste een persoon wil zijn en geloof me, voor mij ben je die absoluut. Ik kan me in heel veel dingen vinden die je hebt meegemaakt, al is het dan niet precies zo gegaan zoals bij jou. Naar Washington gaan lijkt me een gigantisch enge stap, maar ik kan me zo goed voorstellen dat het voor jou op dit moment het beste is wat je kan overkomen. Ik wil je echt heel veel complimenten maken over je stijl, je youtubefilmpjes, je blogs. Ik denk dat ik nog heel veel inspiratie uit je posts en filmpjes ga halen en ik vind je, voor zover ik kan oordelen, echt een topvrouw!

    Veel liefs, Milou

    • August 9, 2017 / 13:13

      Aw superlief om te horen Milou, dankjewel <3

  38. Artemis
    August 24, 2017 / 23:07

    WOW. Just wow. I have been following your adventures for about two years now in Youtube, but I just found your blog (even though you’ve mentioned it, I never had time to search for it). You’ve always helped me lots with many subjects, like how to study, how to style clothes or my room and such but I always felt you like that friend we admire and listen to and have a lovely chat once every two weeks but never REALLY get to see how she FEELS and is she’s REALLY OK because she always seems like on top of everything. But now I feel I know you so much better. Reading this post was like having a from-the-heart-discussion with my sister, both holding a cup of coffee. Having a really bad year myself, I related to this so much! Thanks for that. Cheers to you Lilia. Cheers to you!

    • September 22, 2017 / 15:27

      aww thank you so much <3

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