Why I Have Been Gone.

Why I Have Been Gone.

I am writing again. This simple statement feels like a huge accomplishment. Finding the time to pick up a pen and paper seems like one of the lesser difficulties in life. Most people would argue that other things, such as finding yourself, finding keys in your overflowing hand bag when running late, or finding the right way to that governmental building to file an overwhelming amount of bureaucratic documents in order to stay in a country you actually like are harder things in life to find. However, based on my personal experience, finding the time to write is something I found very difficult as well.

I have always been a big advocate of writing down your thoughts. Whenever someone would ask me how to get over a heartbreak, the end of a friendship, or any other personal trauma, I would always recommend them to buy a journal and start writing. Not only does it function as a creative outlet, it can also be a therapeutic experience. And the best thing is that you can do it at home in your PJs - big win for me. I love sharing my personal struggles and thoughts through writing, and that was also the main reason why I started this blog. Nevertheless, I just could not find the time to write down the things I had to say. It was not the lack of inspiration that made me feel like I lost track of that time. The recent developments in my life - leaving my old life behind and replacing it for a new adventure in the US, and falling in love again after being by myself for 2 years - left me with enough food for thought to fill a couple dozen pages in my diary. So, why then?

Why I Have Been Gone.

Why I Have Been Gone.

The lack of actual time (or Chronos, like how the Ancient Greek like to call it), was als0 not the main issue in this case. Notwithstanding the fact that I have spend most of my days working my ass of in the most literal form of the words (since I should actually be physically working out my ass some time soon, yet instead I haven’t been in the gym for ages), it would definitely have been possible for me to fit in just a brief moment to scribble down some words in my diary. I used to write blogposts pretty much everyday for about 3 years. Thinking back, I honestly don't even know how I did it at that time. There are so many things I want to share with you here, yet I haven't been able to do so.

When you are not certain of the cause of your behavior, the best thing you can do is to make a game plan to figure out what the hell is going on in your life. After thoroughly cleaning my whole apartment and making sure there was no speck of dust to be seen, putting on my favorite burgundy bralette, and lighting a vanilla scented candle, I had the perfect ingredients to figure out why I left my pen and paper unused for such a long time. Digging through your mind to find an answer to something you don't really know is not that easy, especially if you are into philosophy (which pretty much means that you think a lot, and realize you don’t know enough even more).

However, after finally finding and taking the time to write this piece, I discovered the reason why I have been neglecting such an important aspect of my life so much recently. It was the realization that I wasn't ready for it. Once your thoughts become black swirly stains on your paper, they become finite. They change into shapes with the power to shape my life definitively. From vague fantasies in my mind, they now have evolved to statements that belong to me - just with a simple swipe of a pen. They are like the moles on my body that seem to just appear overnight, yet leave their mark on me for the rest of my life. The answer to my writing mystery was revealed in the mystery writing itself. With all the recent developments in my life, I was just not ready - consciously and subconsciously - to accept how much my life has changed in such a short period. And I have struggled with this quite often. The feeling of discrepancy between my mind and my life. I get this feeling that I am not actually experiencing life actively. Like I am just floating, watching my life passing by me. My mind and body being disconnected from each other. It makes me go like “how is it already almost 2019? How is it possible that I've been in the US over a year now? How did I graduate from law school already? Literally my last vivid memory was back in December 2017.” It makes me feel like I haven't really experienced certain chapters in my life - usually, the ones that I haven't written down. These chapters could be too stressful, too difficult, or too emotional for me to share - yet. For example, it took me a year to compose my piece about my previous relationship involving a compulsive liar, and I am still working on a blogpost about everything I've learned studying law. I guess my time recently has been flying too fast. Time flies. and so does life. So this is why I have been gone for a while - but now I am back.

So this is my letter to myself, and any other woman out there that has been going through a LOT recently, and did not find the time yet to process what actually is happening. Don't be hard on yourself, it's okay. You're going to be okay. And from now on, I will be trying to grab that pen and paper a little bit more often.

xo Lilia

14 Comments

  1. Júlia
    September 15, 2018 / 07:40

    I literally can’t describe this. I love this type of posts, and I think you used the right words to explain and share part of your story.

    • Lilia
      Author
      September 15, 2018 / 07:57

      Aw thank you Julia, that means a lot. XO

  2. Mary
    September 15, 2018 / 08:22

    This is such a wonderful way of explaining why you have been gone in writing for a long time ❤ Being a writer (though mostly fiction) myself, I definitely find it hard to write if my mind and life is very disconnected. Most of my stories are based in my experiences making everything harder than it should. So, basically, upon reading this post, I was awed by the fact that you have overcome such struggle. It was definitely inspiring and utterly motivating. Thank you so much for writing this lilia xoxo

  3. Meriem
    September 15, 2018 / 08:36

    You just brought me to tears with this peace of art and I really can’t thank you enough for this because I felt like you just put into words what I have been struggling to understand about myself. Please consider going back to phililyphy videos I really miss them a lot.
    PS : I really really love you and I want you to know how happy i am to see you grow personally and professionally I will send you tons of good energy and peace so SHINE LILIA SHINE ❤️❤️❤️❤️

  4. Tish
    September 15, 2018 / 08:53

    This is such a beautiful and transparent post. Thank you!

  5. Zenaïde Grimm
    September 15, 2018 / 09:46

    What a beautiful letter… Not just to yourself but also to me, to us, to all the boys and girls out there trying to fit all our lifes into these limited hours per day. Thank you for sharing your thoughts ❤️ this is truly inspiring to actually pick up a pen and a diary and to start writing again. Have a beautiful day xoxo from Hamburg, Germany

  6. September 15, 2018 / 10:53

    To be honest, girl, I was never able to grasp just how you managed to blog so much despite your busy schedule. It’s totally okay if life is taking over for a while.
    Also, HOLY SMOKES, your English and your writing and your eloquency improved SO MUCH since you moved to the US!

    xo Rona

  7. Zdenka
    September 15, 2018 / 11:15

    I myself have been writing a diary quite a lot when i was younger, but since i moved abroad (which is 3 years ago now, wow) i stopped. And I can relate to your post so well, i could never describe what you just did, and it makes so much sense to me. I finally decided to slow down and move home for some time, after moving around im just exhausted and need some time to figure out… Myself,i guess. Anyway, thank you for writing this letter! And have a great day! :)

  8. September 15, 2018 / 12:13

    Wow, thanks for your honesty lily- this is such an amazing read.

  9. September 15, 2018 / 14:02

    I love writing. I’ve had a diary since I was 13 and I continue to write in it. I love reading as well and want to write books. I also want to start a blog like you!! You’ve inspired sooo much the past couple years. Keep up the good work.

  10. September 15, 2018 / 16:29

    This is the first article I read about you and girl you’re talented! I just really enjoy reading your stuff :). I’m glad you found your pen and paper again, that’s a good sign. Well to me it is. This is just like a reflection of myself one and a half year ago. I stopped writing when my life became a mess and I think I lost myself at the same moment. After half a year I started writing again, and it feels soooo good! So I’m really happy you grabbed your pen and paper, as I said: it’s a good thing.

  11. September 17, 2018 / 08:19

    Wat fijn dat je weer de tijd en energie hebt gevonden om je gedachten op te schrijven, kan zo fijn zijn. Take your time :)
    Alexandra recently posted…Een fijne outfit in Amsterdam

  12. Erika
    September 18, 2018 / 07:03

    i found this post to be quite relatable (even if I don’t really write) when looking back at the last years of my life, I find myself missing the person I was in 2015 and sometimes I just can’t grasp that it is now almost the end of 2018. what did I do with the past 2-3 years?
    I have struggled to finish my degree and maybe that is what is stopping my self from really being in the present?

    I’m sorry for such an rambly comment apparently I needed to tell someone about this…

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