I actually planned on posting something completely different today, but the way I was feeling made me change my mind. I’ve always thought about my blog as my own personal diary. Writing shit down is very therapeutic for me, so that’s why I choose to share so many (yet still not even 1% of what’s really going on in my crazy mind) thoughts with you. Even when I know that hundreds (or maybe even thousands…) of people are going to read it. Sometimes I just don’t realize that my blog is a ‘public’ space and not my notebook that I keep in my bag to write weird stuff down. Well, today I really needed to write these thoughts down, because started feeling overwhelmed. Dear Diary, this has been on my mind recently…
“Because I need to do so much stuff (which I all enjoy by the way) and because I hate to do things imperfectly, I stop doing them at all.”
The feeling that has been on my mind like 24/7: overwhelmed. I feel like I’m constantly balancing between choosing all of the opportunities that I get and doing everything perfectly. And it makes me anxious, even though I’m not really an anxious person. Recently this feeling of overwhelmed-ness got even worse than before. I keep pushing myself to do more and more, but also to be better and better, while only feeling like I’m doing worse and worse. I’m just that type of person that hates disappointing other people and especially myself. I’m my own worst critic, let me tell you that. I guess that’s why I’m pretty good at letting critism not affect me; what people are saying about me is probably something that I already thought of – but then 20 times worse.
And because I need to do so much stuff (which I all enjoy by the way) and because I hate to do things imperfectly, I kinda stopped doing them at all. With the emphasis on kinda. Okay, you’ve probably didn’t even notice it, ’cause the blogposts still keep coming and I’m not really behind om my uni work too, but trust me: I often sit and do nothing, just because I don’t know where to start organising this mess in I have on my mind.
“I often get the question asked how I manage my whole life and people always think that I manage to manage everything (ha-ha), which is clearly not the case.”
I feel like this post may be a big shock for some of y’all. I often get the question asked how I manage my whole life and people always think that I manage to manage everything (ha-ha), which is clearly not the case. This may sound all dramatic and all – or not for my fellow perfectionists -, but trust me, I’m no drama queen. I just love to write this down, because it makes me clear my head. It’s actually quite funny how this process works for me: I just start typing stuff that pops up and whenever I feel like my mind is clear again, I stop. This is genuinely how I usually write these type of articles.
So yeah, what am I going to do about? One of my favourite questions to ask. First of all, I need to suck it up. I just need to concentrate and stop until a task is finished, ’cause otherwise I’ll definitely don’t finish all of my work on time. But, I also feel like I need to give myself a lil’ bit more credit. ‘Cause trust me, I don’t give myself that much credit at all. I always want to be the best, when it comes to my career, uni, my blog or whatevs. And I hate losing too. I need to stop comparing myself so much to others (and stop asking myself ‘why isn’t your blog growing as fast as you want it to grow Lilia?’) and just do it for me. ‘Cause that’s the thing. I love all the things that I’m doing, it’s just that I put so much pressure on myself to do everything perfectly, that it feels like a burden, not something that I love anymore. And the last thing, is kind of random and pretty personal too. I’m not gonna talk very in depth about it, but just let me say that I had some bad shit happening to me when it comes to boys and relationships. I’m definitely a relationship kind of girl and for my age I had quite a few serious ones already. For me, this is one of my first periods of time that I’m truly single again. My previous relationship ended up being a disastrous lie, the guys I dated after that weren’t much better either, so now I’ve decided to stop dating completely. Forever cat lady. Nah, just kidding, but I’m genuinely going to stop dating for a while, especially because I don’t even got the time for it to be honest (ain’t nobody got time for that!). Dating costs so much time and energy and usually it ends up being for nothing too. It’s still kind of hard for me. I’m used to sharing and caring a lot in relationships, and now it sometimes feels kind of empty sometimes. But I’m definitely a bad bitch so I will survive. Haha.
Okay, sorry for this very, very long post filled with random bullshit-y thoughts, but I just really needed this. I just want to take everything to the next level (blog, uni, career, social life, you name it), which is hard. I know that I’m improving, which makes me want to improve even faster… But I need to take it easy. To be honest, I feel much better now already. I hope you understand. I truly love each and every person that reads this (yeah, YOU!) and if there’s ever something I can do for you, I’m here! Even if it’s personal, you can always send me an email or a DM, I just love helping others. I don’t have anything else to say (finally, time to shut up now), so have a fucking amazing day and I’ll talk to you later!
HAVE YOU BEEN FEELING OVERWHELMED LATELY?