I have a late lil’ update for ya. You won’t believe how much stress I had the last couple of weeks. I literally didn’t feel anything except my body stressing the fuck out. It was terrible. I was studying so hard during the holidays, but still, I felt like I forgot everything I read immediately after reading it. Usually studying my ass off is worth it, because I get the feeling that I’m doing good, that I’m learning something. But this time, I was so insecure about my abilities, I didn’t get this feeling at all. But still, my expectations were very high. And all this together was a deadly combination for me. My body just gave up and I got sick. Well this sounds very dramatic, but believe me, at that time it also felt like the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.
So the 6th of January was my first exam, called ‘Algemene Rechtswetenschap 2’ or just ‘ARW 2’. In English it’s something like the science of law in general part 2. When I finished it, I didn’t have a great feeling about it. I thought that it was going to be a 6 or 7. I know, that doesn’t sound bad at all. But if you studied so hard and your goals were very high, it wasn’t satisfying at all. There was also this: during the holidays I only had time to study ARW 2, so I didn’t study at all for my second exam about ‘Staatsrecht 1’ (= constitutional law). And Staatsrecht 1 was on the 10th of January, so I had less than 4 days to study after my ARW 2 exam. I was like, if ARW 2 is like a 6/7 and I studied 2 weeks for it, what the fuck will happen to my results for Staatsrecht 1?! So yeah, negative thoughts like this didn’t motivate me at all. I had a little mental breakdown at least 3 times a day. Ooh and did I mention that my boyfriend’s bday was on the 9th of January and I didn’t even see him? Yeah, that doesn’t help either. I truly feel like these couple of weeks very fucking hard Compton thug life. Everybody was talking about yeah new year, new me and I was like what the heck, I hope this isn’t the new me, because my life truly sucks right now.
As you know, the most important reason why I’m stressing so much about my grades is that I really want to get into Honours College. Only the best 15% will get in…
At this moment, as I’m typing this story, I’m the luckiest girl in the world. I’m sitting in the train, taking selfies, eating Kinder Bueno (my fave!) and I’m almost home. Over a couple of minutes I will see my boyfriend again, the first time since he turned 19. I’m finally going to give him a birthday kiss and his present. He’s going to tell me how proud he is of my accomplishments. He’s going to say that he never expected my results to be thát great. And I’m just going to relax and smile. Because I fucking nailed it. I got a 9/10 for my ARW 2 exam and a 10/10 for my Staatsrecht 1 exam. I know this is just the beginning, and I know that it might sound arrogant, but I don’t care: I know I’m going to be one of the best criminal defense lawyers ever. Not because I say it to everybody or because I’m writing this down now. But because I’m the kind of person who never quits. My best friend (love her!) used to tell me that I always get what I want. And again, maybe this will sound arrogant, but I think it’s true, because I never stop wishing something, I never quit until I have it. And I think that’s my greatest talent (and also one of my weaknesses).
Deep, personal words.