It’s 6 AM in the morning. I’m sitting here and writing this down due to the fact I can’t sleep. My thoughts keep me awake. And you know me (or you don’t, and you just want to see what this is about), if I have too many thoughts or feels, I need to write that shit down. Which I’m doing now. My blog will always be my personal place to share my life – sometimes more personal than other times. With that being said, my blog is probably the only thing that’s not going to change with this new chapter of my life starting. It makes me excited, it makes me feel scared and it can make me feel anxious – all at once.
First of all, let me start with the most painful ending and weirdest beginning. I still can’t wrap my mind about the thought that life can change so quickly, especially when you expect it the least. One day, you’re picturing a future with somebody you cared deeply for, the next day that person hurts the fuck out of you. And then, the story is finished and you need to start with a new beginning of your next chapter. Strange. This fluidity in relationships scares the shit out of me. Of course, life is not a constant and it changes every moment, but being a person that’s very loyal and trusting, this is the hardest thing ever for me. Everytime I’m starting all over again with a new chapter, only to painfully close it after a while. It makes every relationship seem fake or not worth it. Yeah okay, at that time it was good. But how can you positively look back on a person if he wasn’t the one for you? I know some people can, but I don’t. It makes me feel dumb and ashamed investing so much time in somebody that didn’t deserve it and after I’m done healing, I don’t like to look back. This ending causes me to start my new chapter single and on my own terms again. Honestly I haven’t even processed it completely, but of course I will get through this. I can focus on myself again and the people I love, while cutting out the people that don’t deserve it.
Next up, is the most important change in my life. I’m starting university again. Tomorrow is my first official day of living a life of a double major student. Not only am I going to do the already very difficult Research Master for Law, I’m also going to start with my Bachelor in Philosophy. I have 12 courses the first semester (instead of the normal 6), so you can imagine how challenging this is going to be for me. But I know I can do it. Honestly I already feel like this has been one of the best decisions of my life. I made this decision, based on what I want and not considering what others have to say about it. Some people find it weird that I’m starting a new bachelor during my master or say that I’m not going to finish it. Of course, at this time I don’t know if I’m actually going to succeed, but I’m going to do my fucking best anyway. Studying Philosophy gives me that part of life I’ve always missed when I wasn’t studying it, and it gives me the best feeling ever. So yeah, it may not be easiest path to take, but I know it will give me a hell of a good chapter of life to write about.
Lastly, I’m wondering how this will affect me as a person. All these sudden endings and new beginnings definitely make a big impact on me as a person. It makes me question my morals, perspectives and the way I’m living my life. I’ve realised it’s very hard to find a constant in life – everything is a variable. I feel like I’m overthinking this way too much (do I have to try to stay the same, or try to go with the flow? Am I then the same person or am I changed? Is that good or bad? Is it what I want or not?). I guess that’s just something what I do. After writing this all down, I’ve realised one thing: even when certain things in life have come to an end and other parts are starting all over again, the most important thing you can do is strive to be a better person. A kinder person, a more intellegent person and a more successful person. In the end, that’s the only thing you can actually look back on in a positive way. Every other thing will probably feel like a disappointment (lol yes I’m a pessimist deep at heart haha). So the end of this and the start of my chapter of life will only give me more opportunities to develop myself to the best version of me I can be.
Thanks for reading this. Even if it didn’t really make sense.