It’s 6 AM in the morning. I’m sitting here and writing this down due to the fact I can’t sleep. My thoughts keep me awake. And you know me (or you don’t, and you just want to see what this is about), if I have too many thoughts or feels, I need to write that shit down. Which I’m doing now. My blog will always be my personal place to share my life – sometimes more personal than other times. With that being said, my blog is probably the only thing that’s not going to change with this new chapter of my life starting. It makes me excited, it makes me feel scared and it can make me feel anxious – all at once.
First of all, let me start with the most painful ending and weirdest beginning. I still can’t wrap my mind about the thought that life can change so quickly, especially when you expect it the least. One day, you’re picturing a future with somebody you cared deeply for, the next day that person hurts the fuck out of you. And then, the story is finished and you need to start with a new beginning of your next chapter. Strange. This fluidity in relationships scares the shit out of me. Of course, life is not a constant and it changes every moment, but being a person that’s very loyal and trusting, this is the hardest thing ever for me. Everytime I’m starting all over again with a new chapter, only to painfully close it after a while. It makes every relationship seem fake or not worth it. Yeah okay, at that time it was good. But how can you positively look back on a person if he wasn’t the one for you? I know some people can, but I don’t. It makes me feel dumb and ashamed investing so much time in somebody that didn’t deserve it and after I’m done healing, I don’t like to look back. This ending causes me to start my new chapter single and on my own terms again. Honestly I haven’t even processed it completely, but of course I will get through this. I can focus on myself again and the people I love, while cutting out the people that don’t deserve it.
Next up, is the most important change in my life. I’m starting university again. Tomorrow is my first official day of living a life of a double major student. Not only am I going to do the already very difficult Research Master for Law, I’m also going to start with my Bachelor in Philosophy. I have 12 courses the first semester (instead of the normal 6), so you can imagine how challenging this is going to be for me. But I know I can do it. Honestly I already feel like this has been one of the best decisions of my life. I made this decision, based on what I want and not considering what others have to say about it. Some people find it weird that I’m starting a new bachelor during my master or say that I’m not going to finish it. Of course, at this time I don’t know if I’m actually going to succeed, but I’m going to do my fucking best anyway. Studying Philosophy gives me that part of life I’ve always missed when I wasn’t studying it, and it gives me the best feeling ever. So yeah, it may not be easiest path to take, but I know it will give me a hell of a good chapter of life to write about.
Lastly, I’m wondering how this will affect me as a person. All these sudden endings and new beginnings definitely make a big impact on me as a person. It makes me question my morals, perspectives and the way I’m living my life. I’ve realised it’s very hard to find a constant in life – everything is a variable. I feel like I’m overthinking this way too much (do I have to try to stay the same, or try to go with the flow? Am I then the same person or am I changed? Is that good or bad? Is it what I want or not?). I guess that’s just something what I do. After writing this all down, I’ve realised one thing: even when certain things in life have come to an end and other parts are starting all over again, the most important thing you can do is strive to be a better person. A kinder person, a more intellegent person and a more successful person. In the end, that’s the only thing you can actually look back on in a positive way. Every other thing will probably feel like a disappointment (lol yes I’m a pessimist deep at heart haha). So the end of this and the start of my chapter of life will only give me more opportunities to develop myself to the best version of me I can be.
Thanks for reading this. Even if it didn’t really make sense.
I told you I hoped you were fine. well now that i know what it is all about I can say:IM SURE you are going to be fine! first of all because you are strong and also because you will understand that you have been lucky to find the real nature of someone fast!! even if it’s hard and painful to see how suddenly people change, we as strong women have the power to start all over again.Even if I don’t have the pleasure to know your personally I can consider you as a friend and I can feel how loyal you are! from my experience I realized that the only person you really have control over is yourself.
Oh I wrote a lot! anyway, good luck for your academic new start and prove everyone who underestimates you they are wrong!!
Thank you so much for your sweet message. I definitely will <3
Echt een heel mooi artikel. Echt heel dapper om een keer zo je emoties zo op internet te zetten. Ik had al een beetje het gevoel dat het de laatste tijd niet zo goed ging met je relatie, dus is het beter dat dat is geeindigd. Nu lijkt het heel veel en heel zwaar maar over een tijdje ben je opgelucht en het is super om te zien dat je weet wat je verdient en dat je dit absoluut niet verdiende! Het gaat echt goedkomen!
Wauw, Lilia. Eerst en vooral een heel groot ❤️ voor jou en de moed om dit neer te schrijven en te delen. Na het lezen van dit oprechte artikel, dacht ik spontaan “zij kent zichzelf zo goed, ze kent haar doelen en gaat ervoor”. Ik vind alles overdenken niet per se negatief (ik doe het zelf ook) want het geeft je meer perspectief en ik vind het boeiender dan wanneer je het allemaal maar laat begaan en nooit ergens bij stilstaat. Kan niet gezond zijn. Hou je taai en veel succes met je studies! xxx
Stefanie recently posted…itsaknot.com is your new place to be!
Heel erg lief van je Stefanie, dankjewel. Ben het inderdaad met je eens, stilstaan bij momenten is soms erg belangrijk. xo
Je klinkt zo sterk en vastberaden, en volgens mij heb je de vragen voor jezelf al beantwoord 😉 Succes met alles. Hoe overweldigend veranderingen ook kunnen zijn, zal je straks een nieuwe kijk geven op dingen. En ik denk dat juist dat ervoor gaat zorgen dat je als mens nog meer groeit 🙂
Sorry to hear that I know how hard it is to invest time and feelings into someone you thought was the one but for them to then hurt you. You are strong you will get through it and find someone who is the one for you and who deserves you. Focus on your new challenge at uni you will succeed I know you will. You motivate me constantly and everyone who reads or views your posts. Looking forward to your law school vlogs again.
Thank you so much Tracey <3
Wow Lilia! You are one of the strongest women I know. You always give me much power to get trough hard times. I’m also the same as you. If something is taking over my mind I HAVE TO talk about it with someone, or write it down. When I’m feeling down I try to remember that there is always something good, something better coming. I believe that in every beginning or ending, there is some meaning behind.
Keep being a strong, powerful woman you are!
Lots of love <3
This is so sweet, thank you <3
Wat erg voor je Lilia, maar je komt er wel doorheen hoor. Nu kan je jezelf helemaal focussen op je studie en blog. Heel mooi artikel en nog veel succes!
You can do it!
Yara recently posted…Mijn levensdoelen die zijn volbracht
Thank you so much for writing this. Life is very unpredictable and you really can’t control everything, but I guess that’s okay. The right people will come around, eventually. I’ve learned a lot of things this year and somethings that I’m constantly thinking about is how I always expect more of people and how I expect everyone is going to be kind to me, but that’s not what happens. You can’t expect people to do the same as you do. Or have the same consideration for them as they have for you. Truth is, people are gonna hurt you, disappoint you. You just gotta find the ones worth suffering for. It hurts a lot to look back and see that someone wasn’t the one for you. You just loose faith. But I’m always with the thought that everything happens for a reason. There is something better outside and at the right time, they will come around. I can feel exaclty what you’re feeling and I know it hurts, I truly know. But you deserve someone that is going to make you laugh until you cry, that is gonna sweep you off your feet, that would give exactly what you give and more. “What a wonderfun thought that the best days of our lives are still yet to come?” Life is here for us to enjoy it and really, all we can do is strive to be a better person, I think I wrote too much but I just wanted to thank you for writing this. You are a huge inspiration for me. ❤️
That’s a great way of thought. Thank you Stella <3
I’m really sorry that you broke up, I hope you feel okay soon. I just wanted to let you know that I’m starting college next week (I’m 16 and from England) at a completely new place with no friends. I understand that this is different to your situation but I wanted to say that your blog and youtube channel keep me hoping and positive that I’ll have an amazing life like yours. You are so freaking inspirational to me, not just in law, but in your fashion, your home, your friends and your attitude to everything. I’m so scared for starting a new chapter at college next week but knowing I can watch your videos at the end of the day makes it so much better. Thank you for everything and good luck for tomorrow.
Aww, I’m glad I could inspire you. Thankyou and take care. xo
you are such a inspiration
I love the honesty that comes through these words. We’ve all been there, some more hurt then others. But being able to describe these ‘moments of being’ so detailed is pretty awesome! I love that your going to study philosophy too. I think it will make all the difference in how you look at ‘ the law’ and it’s ethics. Never stop learning Lilia! Even if it hurts ;))
Thank you, I definitely agree <3
I just wanna tell you all gonna be okay. This is not the end. I know after giving your all in a relationship if you don’t get what you deserve, it sucks. I had been there and we are of same age. The same shit happened to me too an year ago and now when i look upon that it feels like a distant memory. All that experience made me stronger and taught me to never give up on my innocent heart. Just because some douche’ betrayed my trust and broke my heart that doesn’t gonna weigh me down. I Hope this help the time will heal all your wounds and you’ll understand you deserve someone way much better. So please let it go i know it sounds hard but keep moving forward! Never give up on love. You will find it someday, not today but someday.
Loads of love
Thankyou Dapiksha, you’re so right. <3
Lovely post and really brave.
I know what you mean. I went through a break up that totally broke my heart. I didn’t expect a person I love, and I thought loved mme back, to do something that was really going to hurt me. Life is a rollercoaster and people sometimes surprise us, well or badly. But you will get through it.
You are strong, intelligent and ambitious, and that will give you amazing things
Thank you sweetie <3
First of all, I wanna say I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Just remember that you don’t need anyone to be happy.
Next, you are such a big inspiration of mine. Ever since I discovered your channel a couple of months back, I have been obsessed. Your hard-working ethic and confidence radiates out of your videos and inspires me to work hard and be the best version of myself. So thank you for that more than you can imagine! Whenever I feel unmotivated, I watch your videos and instantly feel refreshed 🙂
I’m starting my last year of school in the UK tomorrow and you inspire me to do my very best this year.
I want to wish you the best of luck for this year and thank you for being so amazing xxx
Thank you Skye, that means a lot. <3
Lilia, honey, you are an amazing and talented person. I look at you and I see a strong woman, that can lead and prepare her own life.
People sometimes sucks, thats true, and I am not going to say that everything is perfect. I am so, so sorry that you are having such a rough time. But I can say that time heals everything. You will find people to laugh and share your life with. Meanwhile…well, just find yourself. A friend of mine always said “I need to find my travel partner, and for that, I need to travel a lot”.
You can do ANYTHING you want, and be the person that you want. You are smart, beautiful and although I don´t know about your everyday (only the things that you show us in your videos) I can truly say you are kind, sensitive and warm soul.
Right now, the most important is YOU, so take a deep breathe, cry as much as you need (you deserve to do that, don´t try to hold that pain inside) and sleep, because tomorrow is going to be a great day to put on a smile and start again.
love you so much
Aww, thank you for your kind words Sonia. I will definitely try to focus on me now. xo
Hello dear Lilia,
I have been following you on your blog, YouTube, Snapchat and Instagram for about six months now and have been so blown away by how you interact with your audience. You display such a raw and cool quality which is extremely difficult to find these days!
Please continue to work as hard as you do now, because I appreciate every single post. You have really motivated me to continue my blog alongside my University studies.
It would be such a dream of mine to one day work/collaborate with you.
If you would like to, my blog is bandteesleatherandlace.blogspot.co.uk and my Instagram is @alice_bradley2
Thank you for everything <3
Thank you Alice. <3
Wat een prachtig stukje tekst Lilia en wat ken jij jezelf goed. Ik vind het knap hoe je het verwoord en op papier zet. Je kunt het en laat anderen je niet wijsmaken dat het niet zo is ;-).
Anne recently posted…Handmade Pinterest werkplek | Inspiratie
You are going to be okay! Starting a new chapter is definitely challenging but sometimes a new beginning is very important. Take baby steps!
You are a kind person and such a big inspiration! And do not be scared! Think about who YOU are, think about how much YOU can do, how powerful YOU are!!
I love you and I will support you in every chapter of your life! 🙂
Stay safe! xx
Thank you Andrea for your kindness <3
Onwijs veel respect dat je zo open bent op je blog. Life sucks sometimes, en soms voelt het inderdaad alsof je alleen overblijft en de rest een grote teleurstelling is. Ik ben benieuwd hoe je de studie filosofie gaat vinden en ook wat voor impact het heeft op jou als persoon. Heel veel succes en sterkte met alles<3
Emma recently posted…How to wear | Tulle skirt
Superlief, thanks Emma! xo
He Lily! Wat sterk van je❤️ Ik weet precies hoe het voelt.. Na 8 jaar een vaste relatie werd ook eind vorig jaar mijn hele leven een zwart gat voor me.. Zelf vecht ik ook elke dag tegen keuzes die ik eigenlijk niet kan maken en trek me teveel aan van Wat andere over mijn keuzes vinden en denken! Ik vind het zo knap dat jij gewoon je fuck it modus aanzet en doorgaat met wat jij denkt dat goed is en goed voelt! Je bent een groot voorbeeld! Ga zo door!
Liefs Stephanie | twenty4seven
Wauw, wat verschrikkelijk voor je Stephanie. Sterkte en dankjewel <3
I’m really surprised and I can’t believe It’s over. Your words are filled with honesty and I know, for sure, that the whole situation is uncomfortable. I believe, deeply, that you’re a very independent woman but sometimes It’s hard to balance an independent woman life and relationships. I believe that you deserve an absolutely loving and caring partner: you’re extremely organized, intelligent, talented and hardworker. Most guys nowadays don’t seem to get the idea that a relationship is based upon trust, honesty, effort, time, energy and commitment.
I can tell you’re a very commited person: you do so many things and all of them are absolutely amazing! That shows a great part of your heart and your values as a person. I thought you guys looked cute together; but, I think that you deserve something else, something real and pure. You deserve to be loved for who you are and to be loved for all the things you do and the amazing vibes you’re always sending to everybody.
I know It’s hard (It’s SO hard accept that some changes are unexpected, mostly when it comes to relationships…) but I know, too, that you’ll be able to get better and better with time. Time heals everything (it may sound cliché, but I’ve been going through a very painful break-up and that’s something I’ve been thinking about on a daily basis.
Good luck with your new chapter, you’re strong just for saying this and trying to stay present and keep on being the independent and strong woman you are.
Thankyou for your sweet message, Sofia. It came as a surprise for me too. But time heals indeed <3
Dear Lily, you’re are so perfect in the way you are.
I felt the same feelings 2 months ago and my story now is still going on as yours:)))
I wish you LOVE, inspiration and fortune… and you’ll have it anyway) Kissesss <3
Je gaat super trots zijn op jezelf als je straks terug kijkt nadat je het helemaal zelf geflikt hebt! Power woman! Xx uit Zweden, Esmee
Esmee recently posted…floral pants nr 100
I wouldn’t say I know what you are going through because I don’t. But, I do understand how hard it must be because I have been there. Honestly, you are one of the people that helped to make it through. The uncertainty about relationships is something that really scares me. And that is the reason I stay away from them . Anyhow, you are a very strong, intelligent and beautiful woman and I need you to know that I look up to you. I hope you are well now. And, remember no matter what you will always have yourself. And , you can rely on yourself to get you through all the tough times. 🙂
So glad to read this, thank you so much. xo