Sometimes I get this really big urge to write. When I was a little girl, I wanted to become a writer. I’ve always been fascinated with creating stories. There’s something magical about the ability of expressing yourself through writing. When my thoughts become something others can read as well, it gives me the same feeling as if somebody’s staring into my eyes; terrifying, uncomfortable yet mesmerizing. Writing has always been one of my passions. It comes naturally with my character. I’m an extrovert. I’ve never been scared to talk about my feelings, thoughts and personal experiences – hence the blogging thing and such. I’m so open and brutally honest towards people. I do this to such an extent, I think it will become the end of me someday.
I like to think if people can see how sincere I am, they will understand me and never use that against me. So naive, I know. When it comes to this aspect of my personality, I feel like I’m getting better at it; better in making better mistakes. I acknowledge the fact that being a brutally honest extrovert is a part of me that could possibly backstab me in the future. I’m aware of it. I try to minimize it in some ways. But I’m still too strong-minded to change myself due to some assholes and bad experiences. I rather get hurt than comform, or something like that. It’s ironic tho: so many people can read what I think, yet I have no idea what they think, or, if they even read this for that matter. It’s like a one way street. You can read my thoughts (well, only the parts I show of course), yet you don’t have to share any of yours. I don’t know, it keeps me fascinated, even after all these years.
I’ve realised life is somewhat of a vicious circle. And a very hard one to break through. I have a love-hate relationship with this time of year. Although the year is almost finished and the end of the struggle is near, there’s usually so much stress and feels going on at the same time. I catch myself looking back at my life and realising how far I’ve come – or not. This past year was a very weird year for me. I’ve experienced being on my own again, after being used to having someone on my side since I was 15. It definitely came with a lot of ups and very weird, hurtful and shocking downs. Although I’m glad I choose this path for myself and I don’t regret it for a bit, human wouldn’t be humankind if we didn’t miss the things we didn’t have. So I guess that’s happening to me too (especially because I’m a melancholic motherfucker). My old wounds have healed, but new ones replaced their spots. Luckily there’s comfort in knowing everything will be better in time. That’s the biggest advice I can give myself or any other person for that matter. I know I will never go back to the girl I was. I also refuse to live my life the way I did before. But I miss it, oddly enough, too. Don’t take this the wrong way: I’m happy, I’m fortunate and I’m blessed. I’ve learned so much and I don’t regret anything I did. But sometimes it’s hard to not look back and think ‘what if I could go back in time? What if I could avoid making that same mistake again? What if I knew then, what I know now?’. What if, what if, what if. It’s a waste of time. And time is the most precious gift we have in our lives. And I will not waste any of it anymore on people that don’t deserve it. I’m done with that shit.
Like always, I have no idea where I’m going with this story or what the point of telling you this is for that matter. Still, I would love to know what you think. Doesn’t even have to be about the cryptic stuff I wrote in this blogpost, just tell me what’s on your mind. Maybe, you need to write some stuff down as well.
WHAT’S ON YOUR MIND?
P.S. My skin has been so good lately, I don’t even have to wear foundation anymore. Haven’t seen myself with freckles in years, lol.
Goed dat je soms dingen van je afschrijft, dit helpt mij om altijd!
Ja idd! xo
I really enjoy your reading your blog and watching your videos, honestly because though most fashion blogs and things have alot to do with superficiality, they also come along with personal struggles and times. Personally, I agree with the things you say in this particular blog post. You are right about us not truly knowing what you truly think and what you truly feel, so there are bound to be misunderstandings and twisted perceptions of what is posted, but I think people who share bits and pieces of their lives are truly brave people, especially since the world is full of people who will very viciously try to judge everything you post. Your law blog videos are very interesting and I wish that in the future though hard, you don’t conceal anything of what you truly feel, it makes it much more honest and thus much more enjoyable. Not saying that any other people out there aren’t honest about what they think and feel and do, but I like knowing people don’t try to portray a perfect life when no such thing exists. As for the other things you spoke of, I think it’s only natural to look back and think of what ways we could’ve done something different, no so much for the regret for the acceptance that even when we look back we have to remember there is no going back at all, that there’s no point in telling ourselves if something would’ve been different if we would’ve done something other wise. It’s like the theory of Determinism vs Coincidence, whether something we do has been planned out much before we ever thought of it happening via logic vs whether it was a coincidence it happened, that it just happened to happen randomly. We won’t ever find an answer but we can ponder and let it go. It’s just a matter of remembering that better things might also be coming in the future. And remembering good things from the past whether it’s looking back and missing certain situations or certain living arrangements isn’t so bad or even too melancholic, it’s just missing something that can’t be again, but having good memories of it, and that’s what life truly comes down ti in the end, the good memories we make, right? Good luck to you and keep on working hard~
Thank you so much, totally agree with you <3
Wat mooi geschreven!
Ik hou van dit soort persoonlijke verhalen girl.. Je inspireert altijd. Ik snap dat je af en toe terugkijkt, dat doen we allemaal. Maar je bent zo goed bezig, keep your focus on the future. En wat is je huid flawless! Liefs
zo lief babe, miss you! xo
Altijd fijn om van je af te schrijven. Fijn om te lezen!
What a great blog post! I can relate to a lot of your thoughts, not just in this post but in your older ones too. As you wrote “I like to think if people can see how sincere I am, they will understand me and never use that against me. So naive, I know, ” I feel the same way! A lot of people have told me that I should not always be so open and sincere towards everyone because I will get hurt. But honestly, if I would hold my thoughts and feelings inside of me, I would not live my life to the fullest and would not experience life with its all colours. (I dunno whether you understand what I mean with this). I’d rather take the risk of getting hurt and feel every beautiful and also heartbreaking feeling in this world rather than conform. Anyways, keep up the great work beautiful! You are inspiration to us all. xo
Glad you can relate! I totally agree with you as well, I also feel like I don’t live my life to the fullest if I hold it in! <3
I really like this ppost! It’s nice to write, you are right… And then it’s also a way of remembering how you felt in some years 🙂
Lots of things are going on in my life… My year abriad is ending and there are many emotions and feelingd going on… Also I have some trips planned so I am excited! But things have really changed this year and I can’t wait to see what else will happen 🙂
Thank you! Good luck to you! xo
Ik herken het heel goed, veranderingen doorzetten met altijd een neus naar de toekomst en wanneer je daar bent terugkijken en de oude dingen missen. I guess That’s life. En dat is oké zolang we iedere minuut genieten van wat wij nu hebben, so nothing will go to waste.
So true! xo
Honestly, I feel so damn tired, like I don’t own my strenght anymore. Maybe It’s because I’m sick for the past week but I know there’ s something else that’s killing me. I’m also very honest person and It gets me in trouble all the time, but would I go back in time and change what I said, or rebuild the bridges that I burned? No, Because that’s how I am. I’m happy the way my life is right now, and I know everything happens for a reason and that everyone enter our life to be the person of our life or just a lesson. You just can’t rush things to happen. I hate when people say to me: ” You’ve changed.” Yeah, like I worked that hard to stay the same, It’ s a fighting battle to win in everyday situations, I try to make everyone happy, and when everyone are happy and together then I can be happy, i just can never put myself first. But life is road in progress so I’m hoping I’ ll figure everything out in the process… Love your YT chanel and blog!
Thank you for you’re comment, you’re kicking ass 🙂
Wow. That was amazing. Seriously it’s so cool that you can open up like this to everyone! I Love your youtube Channel so much
I will graduate in about a Month and the only Thing i think about at the Moment is how to leave a mark on this world to let others know, that i was here, to Really do something significant.
Greetings from Germany❤️
Thank you <3
Heerlijk he van je afschrijven meid en goed dat je dit soort persoonlijke stukken deelt! <3 je mag echt heel trots op jezelf zijn!
Words cannot express how much I love you. I could really relate to this. I love it how you opened up <3
You have something special, keep doing what you're doing! Good things await <3
Aw love you too <3
This was so touching. I have just recently discovered your youtube channel and that lead me to your blog. Honestly, you inspire me so much so thank you for that. Never stop doing what you love and always remember that everything happens for a reason. xoxo
Aw thank you <3
I really loved this. Your writing is amazing and I actually know exactly what you’re talking about.
Take care. You look beautiful aswell.
I love your blog. Your fashion is inspiring.
Sending you love from England.
Thankyou so much <3
Het is heel erg fijn om sommige dingen gewoon lekker van je af te schrijven, dat lucht heel erg op! Liefs
Mee eens! xo
Bedankt om dit te delen allemaal Lilia, ik kan mezelf hier ook echt ZO in herkennen. Wat mooi geschreven allemaal…
XO IMKE | Pastellics
Zo lief <3
I feel exactly like this. I don’t know whether my grade for my degree will hold me back. I have passion for acting yet my family don’t encourage or support me let alone take me serious. I took law degree and I’m in my final year. everytime I think of future career my first thought is acting but I always feel doubtful. nothing else seems to excite me the way acting does.
I’m a final year student lost in life. But if God wills everything will be fine and I get to live life with passion and love