I am writing again. This simple statement feels like a huge accomplishment. Finding the time to pick up a pen and paper seems like one of the lesser difficulties in life. Most people would argue that other things, such as finding yourself, finding keys in your overflowing hand bag when running late, or finding the right way to that governmental building to file an overwhelming amount of bureaucratic documents in order to stay in a country you actually like are harder things in life to find. However, based on my personal experience, finding the time to write is something I found very difficult as well.
I have always been a big advocate of writing down your thoughts. Whenever someone would ask me how to get over a heartbreak, the end of a friendship, or any other personal trauma, I would always recommend them to buy a journal and start writing. Not only does it function as a creative outlet, it can also be a therapeutic experience. And the best thing is that you can do it at home in your PJs - big win for me. I love sharing my personal struggles and thoughts through writing, and that was also the main reason why I started this blog. Nevertheless, I just could not find the time to write down the things I had to say. It was not the lack of inspiration that made me feel like I lost track of that time. The recent developments in my life - leaving my old life behind and replacing it for a new adventure in the US, and falling in love again after being by myself for 2 years - left me with enough food for thought to fill a couple dozen pages in my diary. So, why then?
The lack of actual time (or Chronos, like how the Ancient Greek like to call it), was als0 not the main issue in this case. Notwithstanding the fact that I have spend most of my days working my ass of in the most literal form of the words (since I should actually be physically working out my ass some time soon, yet instead I haven’t been in the gym for ages), it would definitely have been possible for me to fit in just a brief moment to scribble down some words in my diary. I used to write blogposts pretty much everyday for about 3 years. Thinking back, I honestly don't even know how I did it at that time. There are so many things I want to share with you here, yet I haven't been able to do so.
When you are not certain of the cause of your behavior, the best thing you can do is to make a game plan to figure out what the hell is going on in your life. After thoroughly cleaning my whole apartment and making sure there was no speck of dust to be seen, putting on my favorite burgundy bralette, and lighting a vanilla scented candle, I had the perfect ingredients to figure out why I left my pen and paper unused for such a long time. Digging through your mind to find an answer to something you don't really know is not that easy, especially if you are into philosophy (which pretty much means that you think a lot, and realize you don’t know enough even more).
However, after finally finding and taking the time to write this piece, I discovered the reason why I have been neglecting such an important aspect of my life so much recently. It was the realization that I wasn't ready for it. Once your thoughts become black swirly stains on your paper, they become finite. They change into shapes with the power to shape my life definitively. From vague fantasies in my mind, they now have evolved to statements that belong to me - just with a simple swipe of a pen. They are like the moles on my body that seem to just appear overnight, yet leave their mark on me for the rest of my life. The answer to my writing mystery was revealed in the mystery writing itself. With all the recent developments in my life, I was just not ready - consciously and subconsciously - to accept how much my life has changed in such a short period. And I have struggled with this quite often. The feeling of discrepancy between my mind and my life. I get this feeling that I am not actually experiencing life actively. Like I am just floating, watching my life passing by me. My mind and body being disconnected from each other. It makes me go like “how is it already almost 2019? How is it possible that I've been in the US over a year now? How did I graduate from law school already? Literally my last vivid memory was back in December 2017.” It makes me feel like I haven't really experienced certain chapters in my life - usually, the ones that I haven't written down. These chapters could be too stressful, too difficult, or too emotional for me to share - yet. For example, it took me a year to compose my piece about my previous relationship involving a compulsive liar, and I am still working on a blogpost about everything I've learned studying law. I guess my time recently has been flying too fast. Time flies. and so does life. So this is why I have been gone for a while - but now I am back.
So this is my letter to myself, and any other woman out there that has been going through a LOT recently, and did not find the time yet to process what actually is happening. Don't be hard on yourself, it's okay. You're going to be okay. And from now on, I will be trying to grab that pen and paper a little bit more often.